Bad Blogger

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with my usual posting frequency. I would like to attribute this behavior to a wild and distracting summer vacation, but....

Here are some recent goings on in my life.

A close friend of three years told me he no longer saw the point of our friendship. "We rarely talk and I hate all your friends, so there's no reason to ever hang out." I replied with the mature, acceptable answer of "Asshole."

My best friend has been gone for three weeks and recently lost a very close relative to lung cancer.

I have had summer-long bedtimes and wake-up calls mandated.

I have had my interests insulted.

I have been badly sunburned, thus increasing my chances of acquiring skin cancer by 13%.

I am looking forward to...my youth group missions trip in three weeks. The week after, 8AM to 4PM everyday marching band practices. Then Band Camp, then redoing my room, then flying to California, then the beginning of my second year of high school. Okay, so, I'm looking forward to half of that.

Here's to getting out of the house as soon as possible.

Oh yeah, and I'm learning how to drive, so I can't yet do that by myself. Bicycle rides are a bitch.

Bewitched

you love her
don't you
then why
doesn't she
believe you?

take a step back
this is what
you want?
you're too good
to her

i love
your heart
i can't watch
let you watch
her
break it.

Periodical Wisdom

I recently read (maybe it was Men's Journal...) that the way to judge a relationship is not through one's reaction to bad news, but to good news.

I heartily agree with this observation. Sympathy is quite universal. It's safe to say that a friend one trusts with bad news is trusted to ease the pain, sorrow, frustration, etc. How capable that friend is of handling happy information is a separate entity entirely.

Ex: "I might be going to California to see my aunt this summer!!"
"I'm going to an Ohio amusement park."
"Oh... that's cool, too." Notice the deadened enthusiasm.

Or: "I could make section leader next year!!"
"That would never happen. Oh, I mean, just kidding. Sure."
Good save.

These are recent, real-life interactions that left much to be desired. The words "I'm so sorry!" are expected. "I'm so proud of you!" is a phrase heard less often. It's a surprisingly revealing indicator.

Understanding

slowly i set myself apart
my lack of social competence
spurring walled introspection
i search within
to brace myself from without

my mother says she doesn't get people
their children would be no different
agreeably, she says this will never change
a specified crowd
provides momentary comfort

this is unsettling, but i understand
who could get me
other than who made me
is every interaction blissfully satisfying
ignorance is bliss



there is nothing more complex
than the pairing of people
or a friendship's niche
love is a recipe
for lack of a better metaphor

perhaps in the end
where my understanding stops
another's will begin
and comfort will be found
in their neverending questions


for another's doubt
invites the integration of mine
i tear down the walls
attempting answers
in hopes of finding my own

I Need A Hero

Inspired (as they often are) by Stephen's latest post.

I am strong and broken.
I am independent, but don't understand why people leave.
I've created a best friend out of many people.
Is it okay to take what I like and overlook the rest? I suppose not.
Is it acceptable to expect this one person to be, at some point, a package deal?
I realize my own flaws through the judgement of others'.
I am honest to the point of brutality.
I am fragile and try to hide it.
I think too highly of myself and my opinions.
I expect others to reach those conclusions.
..This isn't smart. But that's not what I'm concerned with, at the moment.
I want to breathe freely.
I want to be an innocent bystander
fists unclenched.
I want to rely on God completely.
I want to know this will be sufficient for the rest of my life.
Yeah, I'd like an earthly hero. Those impossible heroes.
I don't want to be my own hero. I am no hero.

Closure

I wondered how it could be that closure survives on its own, independent from the persons involved. But it does.

I wrote him a letter he will never see. He won't need it -- he hasn't noticed anything for seven months.

I needed it. I needed to know I am happier alone. Technically, I was always alone. But I'm okay with that.

A Combo of Sorts

As of today 35 people have died beknownst to me, including the VA Tech tragedy. The others were a student, a mother, and an uncle. I understand that death is part of life and happens every day. Why so close all of a sudden? Why so related to me and people I know? I don't think I overreact when I say it's been a spooky week.
...

I have links on my three most respected blogs! This makes me very happy as writing is a recent thing for me, and the "impact" is unsuspected. Thank you all.

Jad, Flenker, Stephen, and Matt now have their own playlists. Considering Jad doesn't know I exist, well...hah. I'll think up a good comment to leave ASAP.
...

Drumline practice today included drums and tracking. That's marching, for all you non-bandos. I got the chance to play bass and snare. I'm glad I did since I doubt I'll be behind a snare's carrier ever again.

Something I may not have shared: I love band. There is nothing like being part of a great line..listening to the synchronicity, letting every roll flow, feeling the tempo in my heels. Ah.

For all of the smirks this screen is receiving right now: that's okay. I embrace the geekiness.

I wish I could help you

I don't know what to do anymore.
When reasons for living are slim
Talk to me
I will tell you I would never be the same
Would you leave
If you knew I would forever cry myself to sleep
Would you leave
If you knew I would blame myself
Would you leave
If you knew that I was always here
Would you leave
If you knew you make my life better
Did you know you make lives better?

Don't leave.
The world will miss you.
I could help you
Let me help you.

It Will Be Alright

sweetheart, I love you
you are beautiful
there is nothing I want more
than to wrap you in my arms
and tell you I will never go

sweetheart, you are worthy
of anybody's love
everybody's love
His love
you are made new

sweetheart, don't cry
tell me all your fears
I will fight them for you
when you are weak
I will be strong for you

sweetheart, it will be alright
the brokenness will break
the wounds will heal
this cruel world
will leave you alone