May the Fourth Be With You. Tee Hee.

This is the 2nd 4th I've been alone for. "Alone," though, is a relative term, and one of the ways in which I am is quite apparent. But when I dance around the kitchen while my dad bakes cookies and Skye raves in her aviators to "That's Not My Name," I can focus on what and who I'm surrounded by. Really, I always should. It's gotten a lot easier these past weeks.

To the Lucy who ran around the block yesterday to Regina Spektor's melancholy beats, fighting tears and ignoring her target heart rate because 193 bpm cemented her vitality, listen to me. You can be happy. Choose to.


Happy Independence Day, loves. While holding on to the force, reach for peace.

I wish I had the clarity to write more than stream-of-consciousness.

"In this state I shall not remain."

Not only does it rain on the just and unjust alike,
it rains on the Swiss and Australian alike,
the coal miners and CEOs.
And I can't know for sure because I was not in both places at once,
but I'm pretty sure the rain is bigger in North Carolina.
Bullet big.

I like being awake and alone until the playlist reminds me of how alone I could not be.

I'm building things by myself, and that's why they're falling apart. My brothers and sisters in Christ imagine my place in the kingdom to be crucial. In the depths of my psyche, from my tailbone to my toes -- I can feel the same thing. We're all crucial. But on the end of my cruciality I still tag "eventually." And I pray. And I pray and I pray. And I listen. And I smile.

Butane Lighter

"Glass slippers are a pain,
and armor tarnishes."

***

"And when you find you're done with me,
done with me is all you'll be."

Will You?

I had this dream last night that it was a big deal anniversary
that I accidentally found both tiny diamond rings
and the receipt totaling them at $150.
He proposed with the smaller of the two
and pawned the other.

I take this to mean that the economy has a long way to go
and that I will be happy.

(The proposal was untimely and naive, so I declined.
I shouldn't have.
You can't go back in time, and you can't go back in dreams.
I do believe it's worth hoping that tonight's dreaming will find both me and an atmospheric chasm,
repeat itself,
and give me a second chance.
Every day has the potential to change its night, however,
and I may decline again.)

Groo Grux

What I said: "It's sort of a love song album, isn't it?"
What I meant: "I like that five of the thirteen songs make me think of you."

Gretel

slippery
slinkily
slumbers

warmly
willowing
wonders

flowery
finnicky
fumbles

punctually
peppery
pummels

looks back only once
to determine
not his gait, but her whereabouts.

Is That Alright, Yeah

Warning: Uncertain, angsty, love-ridden, midnight-produced musings to follow.

I spend a lot of time planning my independence, which makes me feel like I've been inwardly independent for some time now.

I'm trying not to plan so much and to pray more. Mostly because worrying as much as I've let myself is not healthy. Plus I trust God more than I do me, which is always a good place to be in.

If I spend enough time away from someone, I can usually convince myself that I don't miss them anymore. After a while, I remember why I feel so helpless.

New favorite song: "Details In the Fabric" by Jason Mraz.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone who would write a song for me.

I place myself on a lower tier than the beauty I find all around me. Maybe that's how I assure that I'll always humbly work towards beauty and appreciate what's naturally beautiful.

I've created a playlist that will get me through heartbreak. Jeez, I hope it will.

I got really close this one day to deciding that I have the ability to let go of my heart and let it feel what it feels, as deep as it can. I felt as though I was knowingly throwing it off of a cliff. I reined it back in.