ah. I feel better now.
forget poeticism and poeticalness and crypticism and craftiness.
I keep trying to weave the same lines as I used to, and I start to wonder if there's some metaphorical string that connects my subconscious to my syntax. because no matter how much I want to express myself in an eloquent yet elegant fashion, all the thoughts I think while I cruise down the highway do not make it to this forum in couplet form. not many ever did, but seemingly especially now. see, I'm even using too many adverbs. I'm growing weaker.
but not in every area! most everything else about me is growing up, growing solid, growing like a gold-dipped weed or something. I eat big, hearty, yet again metaphorical meals of life transitions and adapting lessons and goal-forming and music listening.
and now I'm going to tell you all something I have so far censored from this blog. this summer marked the most depressed I have ever been, and not knowing what to attribute it to deepened the depression further. for the first time in my life, I changed the channels when hearing "Are you constantly fatigued and losing touch with friends and failing to see the fun in things that used to make you smile and wanting to furnish the deep hole you're in because you think you'll be there for a while?" those commercials asked questions I didn't want to hear. to those of you who attribute all unhappiness to spiritual famine, this was something somewhat clearly estranged from my spiritual health. for the first time in my life, though for only a few days, I considered exploring medical improvements to my chemical state.
and the reason that valley was so bewildering to me is that it wasn't in stride with my previously broken heart. it wasn't connected at all. I would never fall mentally prey to such transient emotions--not to the point of numbness I experienced. at least when my heart broke, I could feel it, you know? speaking of which, one time I read this PostSecret that said, "I feel most alive when my heart is breaking." and I did. I felt really invigorated and free. sad, but free. you should try it sometime. then that phase passed, and whatever this thing was began. and I didn't know what to call it. I still don't. but I think I'm out of it.
the reason I think I'm out of it is that... well nevermind, I don't have one. I'm just not depressed anymore. so that's good!
and it felt good to write that. huh. maybe that subconscious string is connected to the ankles of the skeletons in my closet. and when they dance... man. it's a party.
and you're all invited!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
I've been staring at this blank space for, oh, thirty minutes. I have a lot to say but I don't know what of it to say.
Posted by Lucy Doughty at 4:04 PM