Sunday, April 15, 2012

First Thoughts

I share angst here, but never peace. Shame on me.

I'm sitting on my sofa in my apartment alone, plate of fresh French toast in my hand, or it was before I started typing, with Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah" on Pandora, and I think, Hallelujah. Exactly.

God knows what day today would have been and replaced it with a new significance.

I forfeited an internal battle today. I let it win because the loss won't hurt me. Well, it might, but you'll know when that happens.

I found a new tumblr: I like what she posts. Surprisingly I find myself at odds with the weight some of those speakers put in the power of poetry, but I can appreciate many. Poetry is undermined so often by literary stigmas about its spectrum of worth and quality, but they blur the upper end as a result. I like when it comes back into focus. It helps me focus on writing for the upper end.

I had a very low point last night. I remember the thought, "I can't run away. I work on Monday." I remember the thought, "I don't care what You're teaching me anymore. I can't do this. Pull me out or I'll die here." I remember the thought, "I have nothing left." And then I put myself to sleep, because that's all there's to do at a time like that.

I woke up with a headache from the night's tears, and I considered mimicking Simon and hiding my face for thirty-seven consecutive hours. Then I got up and got dressed for my day. I saw my sister while she worked, reached my parents in time for their breakfast, and had coffee with a missed friend.

I turned two situations over and over and over again in my head, but then I remembered that they're not mine, so I let them go.

On the drive home, I felt God teaching me how to take a compliment.


All things work together for good for those who love God.