First Thoughts
I share angst here, but never peace. Shame on me.
I'm sitting on my sofa in my apartment alone, plate of fresh French toast in my hand, or it was before I started typing, with Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah" on Pandora, and I think, Hallelujah. Exactly.
God knows what day today would have been and replaced it with a new significance.
I forfeited an internal battle today. I let it win because the loss won't hurt me. Well, it might, but you'll know when that happens.
I found a new tumblr: beinlovewithyourlife.tumblr.com. I like what she posts. Surprisingly I find myself at odds with the weight some of those speakers put in the power of poetry, but I can appreciate many. Poetry is undermined so often by literary stigmas about its spectrum of worth and quality, but they blur the upper end as a result. I like when it comes back into focus. It helps me focus on writing for the upper end.
I had a very low point last night. I remember the thought, "I can't run away. I work on Monday." I remember the thought, "I don't care what You're teaching me anymore. I can't do this. Pull me out or I'll die here." I remember the thought, "I have nothing left." And then I put myself to sleep, because that's all there's to do at a time like that.
I woke up with a headache from the night's tears, and I considered mimicking Simon and hiding my face for thirty-seven consecutive hours. Then I got up and got dressed for my day. I saw my sister while she worked, reached my parents in time for their breakfast, and had coffee with a missed friend.
I turned two situations over and over and over again in my head, but then I remembered that they're not mine, so I let them go.
On the drive home, I felt God teaching me how to take a compliment.
***
All things work together for good for those who love God.
1 comment:
This weekend I went to the IJM's Global Prayer Gathering. I went because of a class I am taking, and not for really any other reason than that. So the beginning of this comment is definitely not a "I am holier than thou" kind of statement. At the conference they gather to pray for the teams fighting human trafficking, land grabbing, slavery and other injustices around the world. We gathered to pray for the victims and to praise god for the successes and to ask for more success. They showed what had happened soon following last year's GPG and I was pretty blown away. Prayer it works. But my real point is that during all of this I was reeling from a conversation I had with a friend last week. I could not wrap my mind around the many aspects of what she had said. I had a hard time being there. Being in that room with hose people pouring their hearts out to God about injustice while my thoughts buzzed with my own issues. My crap. I made it through the weekend and it was good. I learned. I most certainly prayed. So I guess I just wanted to say that God helped me stay in that room and pray with those people. the other thing that I wanted to say was Amen to your post.
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