Friday, February 25, 2011

Go ahead and shoot the messenger. We never liked him anyway.

"Have you heard, my Mona Lisa,
have you heard what you are?
You're a new morning."


I was looking at the history of film in a museum today, and I could see my face in the showcase's glass. Like seeing my face amidst the history. I saw a little boy looking at the Star Wars action figures and wondered to myself... at which point in life does a person transition from aching to grow up to aching to stay young? I feel as though, in accordance with the way the rest of my life has happened, I'll reach that point sooner than others my age. Maybe it's that I've already made a decision that separated me from my family, or that I've been exposed to and made decisions that have aged me more than high school ever did, or that my heart's been broken and I pulled myself out of its muck, or that I've gone from knowing what I want to do to putting four other jobs back on the table, or that I've realized that no matter my expectations of people, the real battle is fighting to keep them rather than fighting to acknowledge that people have met them, but I'm channeling Peter Pan more now than I ever have.

Which is weird, because I also look forward to grown-up life every day, as I've written in previous posts. But the twilight zone I'm chillin in is bigger than college. It's the massive wave of "you can do whatever you want once you figure out what it is that you want." And a lot of the people around me live for nothing more than that freedom, but life is a lot like a research paper. The more freedom, the less security that the result will match the expectations held for it. As though there's an undisclosed rubric that we'll miraculously match if we can bring ourselves to be that prodigal.

And sometimes I wish I were prodigal, and when I do, I reflect on the question asked of me a couple years ago: "Why are you content with mediocrity?" I probably won't ever forget that question or how difficult it is to answer; I never know whether to defend mediocrity or to defend my...extraordinariness. Most days, I go to bed defending mediocrity.

Another question: is advocating chasing peace the same thing as advocating running away from conflict? I never saw myself as one to go AWOL, but that L is something I decide for myself...isn't it?


"At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral."

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


"This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their [Creator]." --Mumford. who else.

It was 62 degrees last Friday. It snowed on Tuesday. And as I was resurfacing to the floor at work from my ten-minute break, I caught a glimpse of the snow falling outside the big glass outside of the Empire State Building and thought to myself, "I could stand to be happier."

That was a little bit of a breakthrough for me. I know my happiness is a decision I can make, but it's just been so damn difficult. But the day I started settling for anything less than a challenge was the day I started morphing into one of those bummer cliches of a former self.

And I don't know if you still read this, and if you do you know me a lot better than I know you, but that's what having one of these means, and I want you to know that you're not gonna be on my mind anymore. I have to make rules for myself. Like my no carb diet. I was eating pastries from work for like....7 meals a day, but the day I set that diet, I erased them completely. I think of myself as having no will power, but I stick to my rules. And I can't do it anymore.

This is the last initiative I'll take, because I've also set a Bare Bones Initiative rule. I've successfully talked myself out of every recent initiative I've been willing to take for you, but the existence of anything to talk myself out of is a habit I need to break. I can't volunteer anymore. I shouldn't fight, no matter how behind-the-scenes, for someone who doesn't fight for me. This is a baby initiative because it's hit-or-miss, but that chance of a hit is chance enough.

The best part about this, except for the obvious, is that it solved my Dave mental block! Little did we know that his tour break this summer would be perfectly timed. Well, not for you. But I don't consider your best interests anymore. I pray for God to keep them, but that's in place of me. Definitely a good trade.

Anyhow, this announcement seems rather unnecessary, but I'm big into Life Chapters, and the wind has been blowing my pages back so that I keep reading yours. I think I finally got the paperweight I've been praying for.


"...but I gave you all.
and you rip it from my hands and you swear it's all gone..." --Mumford, duh

[and you're right]

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Ollie Ollie Oxen Plea

"If someone isn't there for you anymore, you have to let him go."

The quote's a bit sexist, and I'd revise it to include a "her" if I could.

Also, muse of the day--if he/she doesn't miss you, maybe you didn't do your job correctly.

Or you weren't aware you were volunteering.