Deuces
"This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their [Creator]." --Mumford. who else.
***
It was 62 degrees last Friday. It snowed on Tuesday. And as I was resurfacing to the floor at work from my ten-minute break, I caught a glimpse of the snow falling outside the big glass outside of the Empire State Building and thought to myself, "I could stand to be happier."
That was a little bit of a breakthrough for me. I know my happiness is a decision I can make, but it's just been so damn difficult. But the day I started settling for anything less than a challenge was the day I started morphing into one of those bummer cliches of a former self.
And I don't know if you still read this, and if you do you know me a lot better than I know you, but that's what having one of these means, and I want you to know that you're not gonna be on my mind anymore. I have to make rules for myself. Like my no carb diet. I was eating pastries from work for like....7 meals a day, but the day I set that diet, I erased them completely. I think of myself as having no will power, but I stick to my rules. And I can't do it anymore.
This is the last initiative I'll take, because I've also set a Bare Bones Initiative rule. I've successfully talked myself out of every recent initiative I've been willing to take for you, but the existence of anything to talk myself out of is a habit I need to break. I can't volunteer anymore. I shouldn't fight, no matter how behind-the-scenes, for someone who doesn't fight for me. This is a baby initiative because it's hit-or-miss, but that chance of a hit is chance enough.
The best part about this, except for the obvious, is that it solved my Dave mental block! Little did we know that his tour break this summer would be perfectly timed. Well, not for you. But I don't consider your best interests anymore. I pray for God to keep them, but that's in place of me. Definitely a good trade.
Anyhow, this announcement seems rather unnecessary, but I'm big into Life Chapters, and the wind has been blowing my pages back so that I keep reading yours. I think I finally got the paperweight I've been praying for.
***
"...but I gave you all.
and you rip it from my hands and you swear it's all gone..." --Mumford, duh
[and you're right]
1 comment:
Yes, Yes, YES. Functioning through the pain is when we become unafraid of it, but its not just a flick of a wrist, or a whistle of the lips, is SO SO HARD. Choosing to be happy is like choosing to ignore the biggest indicator in life because we are shutting down the alarm system of ache, in a way, and then making it all about the mind rather than the heart. Lu, Why are we here and why does the song lyric by ben rector " ANd we don't need jesus till' your here," keep hammering my head, If it was mumford I think I would puke, can't go there. I love you and I am sorry you stare out your window and I am not there to catch your eyes. I love you more than words...I am still holding hope about SB, talk to you 2moro love..
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