Weight

My answer to "I mean, I don't know what I expected," if I'm being honest, is usually "more." It just isn't always justified. And that's alright. But acceptance of that fact rarely manifests as initial peace with it.

Lord knows I don't impress people with my actions often enough to warrant being impressed more often by people's actions.

***

I have so much ahead of me that I'm excited for, and I still find myself in these ruts. My friends are upstairs laughing and having a good time, and I don't even want to be there. My heart aches with thanks for their presence in my life, but my heart aches too much to surround myself with all that happiness.

I keep craving being near someone who is as excited to hold my burdens as I am to hold theirs.

And I really am, you know. I'm excited to hold your burdens. I haven't broken under any weight yet, and it's a boundary I'm eager to push--especially for my friends. Lay it on me.

***

"It's sick that all these battles are what keep me satisfied."
--Love the Way You Lie

Pre-nup

At least I got to keep the smiles :)

I Chase You

I just chatted with God in frustration about how often it feels like every relationship I have is as good as it is because of the ferocity with which I go after it.

And I asked, "What is it about my life that has me doing all of the chasing, all of the time?"

And, as you might imagine, I heard in an instant:

"I chase you."

And you know... since we're being honest here...

I really wish that were enough.

But I know He understands. He created me with the need for fellowship, community, companionship... it is Him in me that chases people.

And on a good day, that angle is enough, because on a good day, all I want to do is exhibit Him in me.

But on those bad days, I translate my obedience to Him in me into entitlement to relationships that chase me. And I'm being pretty unforgiving, because Molly and my family chase me more than I deserve. But when it comes to fresh relationships, I start to wonder what my prioritizing them over them prioritizing me says about my life.

All that to say, I trust God completely. I am ecstatic about what's to come, and I've missed this version of myself. I know it is only a matter of time until I partner with someone who actually goes after me for a change, and I'm in no rush to find him.

In fact, I'm in no rush to do anything at all.

Including go to sleep, apparently.
Toodle-oo, darlings. Toodle-oo.

[how the hey do you spell toodle-oo]