Saturday, November 12, 2011

the long way to go never shortens

I'm usually floating along on a writer's spectrum that ranges anywhere from "Why haven't I published a collection of every thought I've ever had?" to "No use adding more thoughts to the world's already overflowing sea of thoughts" to "Why would anyone, given the chance to read already acclaimed works, want to read about what I have to say?"

The other day I was disappointed to realize that a few ideas I wanted to expand disappeared in the relentless Idea Stratosphere because I never wrote them down to remember them. Then I wondered if they were even worth remembering. Then I chastised myself for harboring insecurities regarding something so subjective. Then I chastised myself for encouraging unconditional confidence.

Long story long, I find myself reading so many essays and poems and song lyrics that I identify with. Not only do I identify with them, but I'd like to try my pen at a few. But I get caught up in the dangerous Motive Zone where I wonder for what reason I present such thoughts. If happiness is only real when shared, are thoughts only real if presented for discussion? If I keep something inside, do I benefit from it? If I let everything go, what do I have left?

Meh. I need to purify the process. Expand the process. Never again have to answer the question, "Are you still writing?" with "I don't know. Sort of."

Sunday, November 6, 2011

looking at a milky skyline/the city is my church

Interesting: loneliness is attached to both people and places.

I was thinking about who I know best and thought, "who knows me best?" and couldn't really think of anybody. For the amount of talking I do, I suppose I don't do all of my talking with any one person. In fact, I always considered myself incapable of keeping anything about me to myself, but I totally am.

I was worried I was moving away for the people, but I'll fight loneliness everywhere. It really is a matter of fighting it wherever I want to most... right now, that's definitely here. I really miss my family, but I'll need to deal with that through most choices I'm excited to make right now.

Here we go again: what to do, what to do? Ah yes, choose the option with no cons.

Ah yes, realize there isn't one/choose the option with the most pros.

It's time to stamp New York with a different phase of my life.