Go ahead and shoot the messenger. We never liked him anyway.

"Have you heard, my Mona Lisa,
have you heard what you are?
You're a new morning."

***

I was looking at the history of film in a museum today, and I could see my face in the showcase's glass. Like seeing my face amidst the history. I saw a little boy looking at the Star Wars action figures and wondered to myself... at which point in life does a person transition from aching to grow up to aching to stay young? I feel as though, in accordance with the way the rest of my life has happened, I'll reach that point sooner than others my age. Maybe it's that I've already made a decision that separated me from my family, or that I've been exposed to and made decisions that have aged me more than high school ever did, or that my heart's been broken and I pulled myself out of its muck, or that I've gone from knowing what I want to do to putting four other jobs back on the table, or that I've realized that no matter my expectations of people, the real battle is fighting to keep them rather than fighting to acknowledge that people have met them, but I'm channeling Peter Pan more now than I ever have.

Which is weird, because I also look forward to grown-up life every day, as I've written in previous posts. But the twilight zone I'm chillin in is bigger than college. It's the massive wave of "you can do whatever you want once you figure out what it is that you want." And a lot of the people around me live for nothing more than that freedom, but life is a lot like a research paper. The more freedom, the less security that the result will match the expectations held for it. As though there's an undisclosed rubric that we'll miraculously match if we can bring ourselves to be that prodigal.

And sometimes I wish I were prodigal, and when I do, I reflect on the question asked of me a couple years ago: "Why are you content with mediocrity?" I probably won't ever forget that question or how difficult it is to answer; I never know whether to defend mediocrity or to defend my...extraordinariness. Most days, I go to bed defending mediocrity.

Another question: is advocating chasing peace the same thing as advocating running away from conflict? I never saw myself as one to go AWOL, but that L is something I decide for myself...isn't it?

***

"At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral."