To Feel Alive

My life is changing.

***

My music and words
and your words
and their words
and books
and Bible
the people and places and things
and ideas
the actions
the tears and smiles
the laughter.

My life is changing...

You are changing my life.

Everything and Everyone I have ever known,
...is changing my life.
I am seeing more than I ever could have,
relying on more than I ever would have,
thinking of more than I ever should have.

My feet are on the ground
while my head's in the clouds,
my eyes are on your lips
while my ears tune to Dave
humming, humming...

I don't know what to feel
because I feel more than I know how to.
I don't want to choose.
I am going to live it all.

No worries--
I know what I live for
I know what I love for
I know what I learn for
and yearn for

I know where you are.
I know where you'll be.
I know where I'll be
when you want to find me.

I know where I'll cry
when you forget where we've been,
I know who I'll listen to
when I can no longer trust myself.

I know how to feel
but not how to say,
I know who to need
but not who to leave,
I knew when to look away
but not when to forgive...
forgive and forget.

I know how to sing
to myself in the dark
I know how to dance
in the shower
I know how to overuse
people
and places
and things
and ideas.

I know how to give myself too much credit,
and I know how to leave the doubt behind.

I know what it is
to feel alive.

Mood Swings of My Own

On occasion (not-so-rare depending on the week), a person's look or response will send me in a downward spiral. I become insecure and doubtful of everything I know. It goes away eventually; I am generally a happy person.

I would like to make this disclaimer now: any pathetically depressing post I write is of the moment. By the next happy day it will sicken me, and I will remove it. If you read the last one and noticed that it is no longer here, you are my audience. I post them in the first place because I think in knowing me, one should know all sides. Good and bad. Just not the really really bad. What seems to be so is a temporary part of me.

The usual mindset change occurs during the discovery of a new favorite song or a really great acoustic performance... like tonight. The Josh Irby Band, a local act, sings every song meaningfully, and I agree with them all. That's a good feeling. My first poetry reading at the open mic segment that preceded it doubled that feeling. I read Music to Me, Edges of Love, Here I Am, and Feed The Shredder. Perhaps I will post them soon since readers only know the last.

So I will leave you tonight with good feeling on my part. I hope you are doing well, too.

I'll Be You, If You'll Be Me

Why would I do this to myself. Compare and change. Who would I ever be? That artist I admire? That could be cool. But they're already them. Duh. And I am me. Groundbreaking information I'm feeding you, no doubt about it.

*sigh* All I know is all I know. I think someone famous said that once, and if I could put my finger on it, I would thank them. For their wisdom, and the permission to use my own.

What Do You Want?

"what do you want"
an inquiry commonly posed by
involved, overwhelmed persons
looking to find out as quickly as possible
AQAP
if only to offer it and be done with me
well since you're asking...
i want a new wardrobe for starters
old jeans. vintage rocker tees. my chucks.
i want too many pairs of chucks to possibly wear
i want the confidence to chop off my hair
i want a bright red Schwinn
i want a quaint apartment
with a laundry chute
i want it to look like an IKEA display
i want to be a journalist
i want to write about music
i want to listen to music professionally
i want to find my new favorite song
i want to be in a rock band
of course
the bassist
i always loved that bassist
i want to be a poet
and know it
i want to read enough poetry
to have a favorite
i want to be a favorite
i want to meet an admirer
i want to tell myself i'm worth admiring
and believe it
i want to read all the classics
and understand why it was labeled a classic..
i want to watch every 5 star movie
4 stars is okay too
i want to marry John Cusack
i want to marry?
yes. i suppose.
my self-sufficient mentality can only last so long
and that's okay
i do want love
i love to collage
i want to collect handmade wonders
i want to place my thoughts inside them
on their beautiful papers
i want another piece of college-ruled paper
music to my eyes
i want so much
and most of all
i want to be really really good
at being who i want to be