it's a small world, after aaallll [in your head for the rest of the day. you're welcome.]
Ponder this: The world is God's and, ultimately, as small as He wants it to be.
There are only so many places to go, but there are neverending places to connect. I have so many thoughts about this that I can't put words to them all....
a few instances:
one of my classmates is close family friends with the Henn family. Nate Henn was killed in a terrorist attack while serving as an Invisible Children roadie in Uganda this past summer. that classmate organized an Invisible Children screening at King's.
I almost didn't go to it. My attendance was truly a last minute decision--a decision I'm starting to realize was not mine at all.
Invisible Children's newest film, "Tony," wrecked me. I blamed a lot of this on my hormones, but maybe I shouldn't. My heart's ache at how much security I have when there are children abducted daily from their homes and forced to fight as child soldiers in Africa's longest-running war... it feels sort of like an atomic explosion on an emotional level. I've been struck before by how small I am, but perhaps never quite like this. My speck of existence in the scope of God's world is paradoxed (not a word but should be) by the scope of my potential role in this speck of a world.
I have so. little. time. to do so. much. with. What am I doing? Why do I keep re-orchestrating my list of goals? I am living such a turbulent phase of my life that I look ahead in an attempt to lose as few opportunities as possible. It has become a settling sense of peace to me that God will present his goals for me to me as He wishes. I try to recognize this web to the best of my abilities, but I often lose sleep over my next step. Am I sure I'm following God's path for me? Can I be sure? Why won't He confirm it when I beg Him to?
I worry a lot about my obedience to God. I'm starting to bank on the idea that worrying about that at all is evidence of the right direction.
Anyway, the small world continues, because after the film screening, I was going to leave and go straight home, but I decided to hang around the merch table for a bit. One of the roadies asked me where I was from, and when I said Georgia, he said, "Me too!! We all are!" Turns out the three roadies around me were all from my glorious home state.
What's even weirder is that when Morgan, the first, asked where in GA I'm from, and I answered with Marietta, the one behind me paused and responded, "So am I. Where did you go to school?"
Lo and behold, I met a member of Walton's '09 graduating class for the first time in New York City. In a school I almost didn't go to. A school whose validity the entire Invisible Children team couldn't help but question. At a screening I almost didn't attend. During a tour he may not have been accepted for. After we got over our minds being blown, we chatted for a while about mutual friends and mutual love for Atlanta. I don't know exactly what role that meeting will play in my life--whether his being the kind of person I want to surround myself with gives me hope for increased friendship with him or hope for friendships with those like him.
Whatever the case may be, I learned more that night than I bargained for. I felt a heart for Invisible Children that I don't want to abandon, but I've already begun to emotionally prepare myself for that course not matching what God wants for me. I guess we'll find out. I also felt a heart for new friendships and my hometown that gave me peace about leaving the city.
peace about leaving the city....
peace that surpasseth all understanding
Shantih shantih shantih
One of the women at the screening was talking to my classmate afterwards, and as I unashamedly "researched" the relationships between the roadies I met and the people I know, I recognized her face on Facebook. I learned of her role in Nate's short life and stumbled upon a blog she writes. As I read about her grief, my heart went out to Molly and hers. I knew they were words Molly could stand to read. Molly and Stephanie connected, and Stephanie's grace and love for Molly confirmed my realization that this huge world is only huge if we look at it through worldy eyes.
God's increased revelations to me present a broader scope that, paradoxically, shrinks the world down to its actual size. Actually, I can grow closer to my brother and sister no matter how far I am from them. Actually, I can meet a girl who also grew up north of Atlanta in New York City before returning with her to Atlanta to continue to grow up together. Actually, I can meet a roadie who went to my high school. Actually, I can recognize a mirror of grief that spans time and states. Actually, I can achieve exactly what I'm supposed to for the world because the world is God's kingdom, and I pray and beg for the same exact role that He has been preparing me for for nineteen years. Whichever it may be.
My heart is an atomic explosion for each and every one of you.
especially for making it to the bottom of this post ;)
2 comments:
Wow! It IS a small world! There is a picture that comes to mind of God always wooing us. Of God reminding us that He is the Author of this true story. You really do get to choose your steps, and it will be fine. God knows what delights your heart. He will answer your prayers. He will keep His promises. You are already such a joy to Him! Sleep well, knowing full well that you are tuned into His voice, that you are being who you were created to be. Psalm. 1:1-3
Love,
Julia
I was in my early 20s when I realized that God's will for me wasn't something I needed to worry about. I've given Him my life. There are 10,000 good paths I can take. On each of those paths I can live a life honoring to Him by living according to His word. On each of those paths I'm certain to meet people who need my help, people who become my friends naturally, and people who become my friends with a little more work. At the end of each of these paths I can hear my Savior say, Well done, Ren. Now enter into my rest." at which time I'll begin to explore and enjoy a new world and kingdom that Scripture talks quite a bit about.
And I do rest in knowing that it's enough for me to mind or tend the things He allows me to control (my time, thoughts, work, actions) and not worry about the many things I can't. That's His part. I try not to worry about me doing His part.
He's the one who made me. Why do I like coffee and not golf? I don't know. Why do I adore everything about motorcycles and not give a dried fig about fishing? No idea. But I don't sit around and feel guilty for loving coffee & motorcycles.
I do, sometimes, feel guilty that I have such an enormously pleasing, productively challenging, and enjoyable life. Or that my 3 kids are healthy, wonderful people. Of that I don't (at present) have to worry about getting to the grocery store through gunfire or that rioters will come take everything I own. But to spend too much time feeling guilty about where God has me and what He's given me is to be ungrateful, and often to focus on things that I can't change while doing less than my best at things I can.
When I was younger I wanted to be a missionary like Jim Elliot. Then I wanted to be a military chaplain. God directed me away from both paths. I don't spend time wondering "what if". I do spend time wondering "what now."
I think the key to sorting out the whole "am I in God's will?" question is to trust that as long as you're walking with Him according to HIs word, then you're in His will for you right now. Then you do the next thing being all there with a heart of gratitude. And your faithful todays will take care of your tomorrows. They really will. :-)
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