it's a small world, after aaallll [in your head for the rest of the day. you're welcome.]

Ponder this: The world is God's and, ultimately, as small as He wants it to be.

There are only so many places to go, but there are neverending places to connect. I have so many thoughts about this that I can't put words to them all....

a few instances:

one of my classmates is close family friends with the Henn family. Nate Henn was killed in a terrorist attack while serving as an Invisible Children roadie in Uganda this past summer. that classmate organized an Invisible Children screening at King's.

I almost didn't go to it. My attendance was truly a last minute decision--a decision I'm starting to realize was not mine at all.

Invisible Children's newest film, "Tony," wrecked me. I blamed a lot of this on my hormones, but maybe I shouldn't. My heart's ache at how much security I have when there are children abducted daily from their homes and forced to fight as child soldiers in Africa's longest-running war... it feels sort of like an atomic explosion on an emotional level. I've been struck before by how small I am, but perhaps never quite like this. My speck of existence in the scope of God's world is paradoxed (not a word but should be) by the scope of my potential role in this speck of a world.

I have so. little. time. to do so. much. with. What am I doing? Why do I keep re-orchestrating my list of goals? I am living such a turbulent phase of my life that I look ahead in an attempt to lose as few opportunities as possible. It has become a settling sense of peace to me that God will present his goals for me to me as He wishes. I try to recognize this web to the best of my abilities, but I often lose sleep over my next step. Am I sure I'm following God's path for me? Can I be sure? Why won't He confirm it when I beg Him to?

I worry a lot about my obedience to God. I'm starting to bank on the idea that worrying about that at all is evidence of the right direction.

Anyway, the small world continues, because after the film screening, I was going to leave and go straight home, but I decided to hang around the merch table for a bit. One of the roadies asked me where I was from, and when I said Georgia, he said, "Me too!! We all are!" Turns out the three roadies around me were all from my glorious home state.

What's even weirder is that when Morgan, the first, asked where in GA I'm from, and I answered with Marietta, the one behind me paused and responded, "So am I. Where did you go to school?"

Lo and behold, I met a member of Walton's '09 graduating class for the first time in New York City. In a school I almost didn't go to. A school whose validity the entire Invisible Children team couldn't help but question. At a screening I almost didn't attend. During a tour he may not have been accepted for. After we got over our minds being blown, we chatted for a while about mutual friends and mutual love for Atlanta. I don't know exactly what role that meeting will play in my life--whether his being the kind of person I want to surround myself with gives me hope for increased friendship with him or hope for friendships with those like him.

Whatever the case may be, I learned more that night than I bargained for. I felt a heart for Invisible Children that I don't want to abandon, but I've already begun to emotionally prepare myself for that course not matching what God wants for me. I guess we'll find out. I also felt a heart for new friendships and my hometown that gave me peace about leaving the city.

peace about leaving the city....

peace that surpasseth all understanding

Shantih shantih shantih

One of the women at the screening was talking to my classmate afterwards, and as I unashamedly "researched" the relationships between the roadies I met and the people I know, I recognized her face on Facebook. I learned of her role in Nate's short life and stumbled upon a blog she writes. As I read about her grief, my heart went out to Molly and hers. I knew they were words Molly could stand to read. Molly and Stephanie connected, and Stephanie's grace and love for Molly confirmed my realization that this huge world is only huge if we look at it through worldy eyes.

God's increased revelations to me present a broader scope that, paradoxically, shrinks the world down to its actual size. Actually, I can grow closer to my brother and sister no matter how far I am from them. Actually, I can meet a girl who also grew up north of Atlanta in New York City before returning with her to Atlanta to continue to grow up together. Actually, I can meet a roadie who went to my high school. Actually, I can recognize a mirror of grief that spans time and states. Actually, I can achieve exactly what I'm supposed to for the world because the world is God's kingdom, and I pray and beg for the same exact role that He has been preparing me for for nineteen years. Whichever it may be.

My heart is an atomic explosion for each and every one of you.

especially for making it to the bottom of this post ;)

I dare you to not dance

well isn't that obnoxious ad just enough to stop watching... just listen to it while you cruise around in another web tab.

you know, cause I have judiciaryness over your internet behavior

Ima shut up so you can DANCE

Stupid Eve

If the world hadn't fallen, would broccoli taste like donuts?

>.<

thank you, readers, for watching my heart break and heal

I'm sure I don't know of all of you, but knowing you were there when he wasn't was extreme solace.

we did it!

this is all of us in our colorful little houses as morning greets the sea. we turn our lights on to better see each other wave to the waves. to better see each other welcome the sun.

"Nevermind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too."

--Adele

Rollin', Rollin'

"Finally, I can see you crystal clear...
...Don't underestimate the things that I will do.

The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
I can't help feeling,

We could have had it all,
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hands,
And you played it to the beat."

--Adele, "Rolling in the Deep"

Oh, Adele. You're my favorite artist to steam milk to.

Also, I like the strength that comes with vulnerability. I like that I can reflect on what I've felt without actually feeling it. I like that I've put enough distance between my past and me that I can actually consider it a past.

It's passed.

Duct Tape: A Conscious Stream

sometimes there are those moments, you know

the ones where I stop laughing for a moment

and remember that my heart is

[while not completely broken]

still cracked.

and I resent that those moments are attached

to being attached

because all I've worked to do

is loosen the shackles.

and God knows I'm free.

and I think it's in the veins of the human condition, you know

being wounded.

the human condition is humans

examining their condition

their wounded condition

and happiness

happiness happens

when that exam yields smiles.

when that exam yields sun

shade

spades

spring

sing

when that exam yields relationships with those who examine

those who piece together your shards of glass house

when you're sick of braving cuts.

the human condition is meeting those who come equipped

with hazmat suits

rubber gloves

duct tape.

Crabbing

Heya, playa!

I am mostly through with my Spring Break. Philadelphia and Boston were fun. The most fun was always knowing that I was in the middle of a plan that I helped create and make work. I feel older and older every day--older in a way that matters. Not older in a way that floats on by, the way we understand that a current carries debris. I'm floating along this current of time in a way that makes me wish the shore were closer. I reach for the coast, simultaneously calling out in fear and saluting with a grin. I am on the fast track to my own life. It's a leeeeeetle too fast. But it's my own life.

Today was my birthday. It had ups and downs. I was disappointed about as often as I expected, and happily surprised more often than I expected. I wished I were home, and I was glad that I got to spend one away from home, just to see what it's like. I guess that's what this brain developing stage is like... doing things just to see what they're like. Responsibly, of course. For me, at least.

This was the first birthday in five years that I didn't hear from Andrew on. Those five years, from here on out, will become a smaller and smaller percentage of my life.

I think I'm excited to get a tattoo because I'm excited to put a feeling to the pain I've grown used to. The slight, refreshing pain of a salty breeze along an open wound. The breeze means I'm on the water, but the open wound means I've been hurt. If it weren't for the open wound, I wouldn't find my place on the water such a priority, for I wouldn't demand its healing properties.

I'll trade perfect health for my place on the water.

The next dilemma: to build or not to build a home on this waterfront?

No matter what, I'll need vacation homes elsewhere.