Perpetuum

Happy Birthday, Dad! I love you! :)

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My power playlist: 1) New Morning - Alpha Rev

2) Riverside - Agnes Obel

3) Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

4) Apologize - OneRepublic

5) repeat, haha

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I'm a very unsettling combination of happy and empty, fulfilled and chaotic, confused and peaceful. I feel like I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, but I'm too aware of that fact to be having it. Also, it's frickin freezing up here. I'm a little hermit because venturing outdoors is like torture. I can't wait for spring.

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I'm reinvesting myself bit by bit, and it's exhilarating. I find myself wondering how I ended up here, but I know the answer so well, my mind chants it to my soul.

*

It's going to be a few years until I meet him. He's with somebody right now. I hope that his heart doesn't break too badly when he gets out of it, but regardless, the edges of mine will be waiting for the edges of his. I pray for him every day. Knowing that He knows both of us is enough knowledge for now. It has to be.

Frost

the eaves bend as a gardening back might,
responding to the snow’s weight with surprising resilience.
footprints below harken to a journey northward
or westward or backward because she never was good with directions.

the chill outside is as striking as the chill within
the vapor before her face pumping in rapid spurts,
warm breath quickening with her pace.
there are miles to go before she sleeps
sleeps
sleeps.

the sun is bright but no warmer,
like a candle behind glass
or an advert’s smile.
she warms her ears with promises instead.

in too deep?
feet in snow, heart in the future
the same chill that numbs her toes
preserves a cracking heart

preserves an exemplified ideal
like a zoomed-in-on snowflake.
no two utopias are alike--
one will surely melt first.

Wait, I don't get it

Surely I don't give the impression that I can't be dealt with in a straightforward manner.

I know why I overestimated you, but good God. Stop underestimating me.

42: Medium Auburn

I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

--Psalm 42:9-11

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I'm baa-aaack. Back in business. The business of wondering and worrying. I was thinking today that having lived for long enough to look back on life is unsettling. I'm talking about a sensation bigger than memory...I felt a strange mix today of wanting to live life on my own again and wanting to never live on my own ever again. This chunk of my life, these next four months, will present the most emotional solitude I've ever had. It's liberating, it's frightening, it's revealing, it's humbling. ...or perhaps the opposite. I'll let you know.

Restlessness is not a virtue. Nope nope nope.

This semester is a big game of now what.

You'll probably be able to answer that before I can.

Needlepoint

Wow. Making a hobby out of heartbreak is heartbreaking.

This phase of my life feels like getting one giant, spontaneous tattoo. Painful and permanent. I didn't plan it, and I wish it would stop, and I'm not entirely sure the result will be beautiful. But I can't go back, and even if I tried to now, I'd be left unfinished. And I can't have that.

Snow Bunny

Look at my Georgia home! There's white stuff everywhere! SNOMG

I spy Dad embracing his role as Starbucks Elf as the neighbors enjoy their Starbucks pastry deliveries....

Isn't it grand to have a phone that doubles as a better-than-capable camera? Yayayay only having to save up for one gadget!

So! No work today. No school today. Movies to watch, cakes to bake, games to play. Prayers to pray. One of which has been answered: I'll be able to pay for what's left of this year's tuition by myself! That's always a good feeling. Well I guess I'm feeling it for the first time. But it feels good!

Also, I was listening to Alexi Murdoch's "Song For You" and realized I may know-slash-love songwriter boys in the future. Weehaw :) Stay cozy, snow bunnies!

Just A Happy Little Blogger Swaying in the Wind

Hahaha I don't know what ^that means. It just felt right.

Things I've been doing a lot of lately:

*Barista-ing like a champ, cause hey, every penny counts
*recognizing every possible pun
*sleeping like a baby
*scratching my legs off, thanks to who knows what
*singing along to the radio at the top of my lungs
*re-associating my favorite music
*loving being loyal to James Mercer
*realizing I don't really want to hear Colin Meloy sing ever again
*wishing Taco Bell had never used Modern English's "I Melt With You"
*using my turn signals
*relying on my iPhone to tell me where the hey I am
*reading Simon van Booy (I actually don't advise it--I just don't like leaving books half-read)
*musing on the challenge the Internet poses to valuable reading material
*wanting a weekend subscription to New York Times
*slapping myself for using my first college semester as an academic burn semester
*brushing the dirt off and planning to do better cause even though I had a lot of sh!t to wrestle with, I always will
*playing Tap Tap Revenge 4
*winning and losing and winning Words with Frenemies
*thanking Tetris for existing
*raising my eyebrows
*scrunching my nose
*whistling the Harry Potter theme song
*fantasizing about Bryant Park in the springtime
*thanking God for everything
*having the last word
*ruling boys out
*smiling at how much time I save by doing that
*making playdates with girlfriends
*eating scones and cupcakes and loaf cakes and muffins
*laughing at Skye because she's hella funny
*marveling at how my little brother is a man
*wanting a little dream car
*stressing about where to spend my sophomore year of college
*remembering that stressing is a moot hobby
*praying
*praying
*praying
*....using the present progressive tense