Moss
Alright. Let's recap.
I live in an apartment with a guy I've known for a while. I work at Starbucks. I read books sometimes, and I try to keep my bathroom clean.
I love living on my own, but I miss my family. I miss living effortlessly. Loving who I live with all the time. But I dread the idea of living alone, and so I don't.
I am entertaining the idea that I am manic depressive. If said hypothetical self-diagnosis proceeds, it will change how I view myself. Or maybe it won't. It doesn't really matter, cause I'll be whoever I am in whatever moment.
I love my job, and I love the people I work with. It's when I'm not working that I have no idea what I'm doing. "Doing with my life" is a bit dramatic, but it is my life, and I don't know what I'm doing, so that's an apt phrase.
I get this tight feeling in my center when I wonder if this year is a dead year, a filler between phases in which I know exactly what I'm fulfilling, and so I don't wonder about it. I know this year matters sheerly because it exists, but at the same time, I don't know that. I am looking forward to reading this post once the year has passed. Most years of my short life have held milestones I know will define them, but this year holds none I know of, and so I'm left to wonder what milestones will surprise me. I'm more scared of them than not, but maybe the glass isn't half empty--just too big.
I have no definition. I'm not working towards anything, I have no roots anywhere, I have no answer to the question, "What do you do when you're not working?"
I am moss, and the stone isn't rolling.
I hope this didn't sound too sad. I'm not too sad. I'm not too happy either, but it's that middle ground that I'm trying to become best acquainted with.
I am moss on the middle ground.
4 comments:
Except, you do have roots.
It's very very difficult for me, and I'm now realizing, for my offspring too, to not have a target. I remember feeling that drifting uncertainty during several seasons of my life.
Faithful joyful living does seem to lead to opportunities and ongoing paths to joy.
You saved up for, found, and bought a cool car with cash this year. That's a goal met.
Reading is not nothing. It's something, and something rich at that. Keep a reading journal. It helps you sort your feelings and observations as you go, and it's good to review later. Years later.
I've spent much of my life aiming at goals and missing them, but enjoying the new trajectory. You are not inert. You are in motion.
I don't mind you questioning life and feeling blue as long as you tell yourself the truth and don't sell yourself short. You are amazing. And I don't mean that in an American Idol "aren't we all amazing?" kind of way. I won't make you blush by listing the ways but you know what I'm talking about.
Right now you find value in your work and in reading. You find value in your independence. The goals will present themselves soon enough and you may chase them. But a day well lived where you enriched your own life by loving and encouraging others is a good day.
Here's to good days, Lu.
I love you fiercely, with my whole heart.
Dad
That was written at 30,000 feet, by the way.
I find value in you. and I'm blushing anyway. :) here's to truth. truth like "moss grows."
I feel similar fears.
Fears of working at the Gap my whole life.
Fears that i will never be capable of letting someone love me the way God intended.
Fears of not being able to be responsible enough to live on my own and buy a car on my own.
But when the day turns to night my fears seem to diminish, even though I know they are still there, and I can hear God saying " As long as your centered in me, you shall not sink,"
I know you know all this, and I know that free will can get a little fuzzy when your emotions take over, but you have made strides just like you awesome dad said. Even though it might not be the ones swirling round' in your head but they are strides and God will bless that lu.
He has a plan for your life and remember our timing is not God's timing. ( thats something I literally have to tell myself everyday.)
With that I leave you this verse,
-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
Psalm 139 13-16.
Loveyoumeanit.
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