Flying Solo

Insecurity is as potent as sadness. It took me three years to believe the love I was shown, and six months for the possibility of its flukeness to creep back into my head.

Let's just say that, given the satisfaction my current relationships are yielding, I've begun to entertain the idea that I'm shooting for something I'll never find.

I hope that relinquishing the idea of a forever with someone magically releases the idea to someone else's life. That's the only way I make peace with it. I'd rather handle loneliness and learn from it than cause someone else to. Now, that's not the way life has ever worked or will ever work--the transfer of happiness skipping like neutrons between atoms of hope.

But it's true that I've prayed before for God to strip my faith from me that anyone else might have it, free and clear and forever.
There are too many holes in that scenario to count, but I wished it so hard....

I think the imagination behind it all is in the same vein as my gratefulness for the learning experience loneliness offers. As people find their places around me, I get to learn from them as well. There is no bitterness involved because I don't resent the chance to learn more about the world.

That said, it will be interesting to see if/when I find my place. I have the capacity to throw myself into numerous places, as my improving judgment allows, and I used to think I had the strength to do it over and over and over again.

I don't think I do anymore. Partly, the taste of disappointment is officially stale. Partly, I'd like to curb the rate of my growing disillusionment.

That cynicism fades as I walk alone to the park, an apple in my hand and a smile on my face.... but it bubbles up within me as I receive the text that those who invited me to meet them there have decided to leave. They say they'll see me later.

They don't.