Little Buggers

There are times when I don't want to be having the time of my life anymore.

I want the drudgery of seven years into a marriage, keeping water rings off of my coffee table, wondering why I'm still a Shift Supervisor, wishing I had the money tree I'd tried to grow since grade school, worrying about my family and where they are and how they are, worrying about why I still can't have a baby. Settling into accepting that I'll be trying to remind myself for the rest of my life that worrying is pointless.

I don't want the knowledge that when I finally get there, I'll smack myself for having looked forward to it. I don't want the knowledge that these are the days I'll look back on in awe and, unfettered by inhibition, wonder how it is I managed to do so little with them. But I have it. And as a friend says, regretting knowledge I already have...is silly.

Thus, I refuse to minimize the present any longer. I don't always know how to maximize it, and I often wish my faithfulness could be cashed in for more happiness than I regularly find myself in, but faith isn't cash for a reason. Neither grows on trees, but only cash is in finite supply.

I even worry about my children having blogs like this one, or whatever holographic media the future may hold. My genes are introspective, and I don't know how to pair up with someone who's not... my babies are gonna be angsty balls of wit, but they'll be lovely all the same. I'm glad I'll have this to show them. Technology continues to fascinate me.

God is good God is good God is good God is good God is love Love is good Love is love God loves you you are good

P.S. I can't believe I had to break up with Dave Matthews Band. But new favorite music is swirling, and I thank God. Listening to right now: "My Favourite Book" - Stars