Kryptonites

Writer's block just made my list of most crippling sensations.

The other two are heartbreak and distance from God.

I suppose I am thankful that I only have three. Pray that I reach out to somebody on the days I encounter all three.

words fall through me/always fool me

I found some cool new people!

Smoke Signals
yaohong
teach us to love.
How to Live
Verbosity to Me
. . .meg. . .

Guess what? Tomorrow, Stephen Baker and I will turn two years of correspondence into there-you-are-in-front-of-me reality.

If 'there-you-are-in-front-of-me reality' weren't such a mouthful, it'd make a cool band name.

***

My heart hurt for real this evening. Physically instead of emotionally. But then I thought about it and realized it hurts a little bit in both senses.

I miss God.
I got really far away all of a sudden, and now my legs hurt from running back with such force.
It's the sort of burn one's happy to embrace.

I wish I had the clarity to write more than stream-of-consciousness.

"In this state I shall not remain."

Not only does it rain on the just and unjust alike,
it rains on the Swiss and Australian alike,
the coal miners and CEOs.
And I can't know for sure because I was not in both places at once,
but I'm pretty sure the rain is bigger in North Carolina.
Bullet big.

I like being awake and alone until the playlist reminds me of how alone I could not be.

I'm building things by myself, and that's why they're falling apart. My brothers and sisters in Christ imagine my place in the kingdom to be crucial. In the depths of my psyche, from my tailbone to my toes -- I can feel the same thing. We're all crucial. But on the end of my cruciality I still tag "eventually." And I pray. And I pray and I pray. And I listen. And I smile.

Is That Alright, Yeah

Warning: Uncertain, angsty, love-ridden, midnight-produced musings to follow.

I spend a lot of time planning my independence, which makes me feel like I've been inwardly independent for some time now.

I'm trying not to plan so much and to pray more. Mostly because worrying as much as I've let myself is not healthy. Plus I trust God more than I do me, which is always a good place to be in.

If I spend enough time away from someone, I can usually convince myself that I don't miss them anymore. After a while, I remember why I feel so helpless.

New favorite song: "Details In the Fabric" by Jason Mraz.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone who would write a song for me.

I place myself on a lower tier than the beauty I find all around me. Maybe that's how I assure that I'll always humbly work towards beauty and appreciate what's naturally beautiful.

I've created a playlist that will get me through heartbreak. Jeez, I hope it will.

I got really close this one day to deciding that I have the ability to let go of my heart and let it feel what it feels, as deep as it can. I felt as though I was knowingly throwing it off of a cliff. I reined it back in.

Hallelujah!

After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

While the women were on their way, some of the guards went into the city and reported to the chief priests everything that had happened. When the chief priests had met with the elders and devised a plan, they gave the soldiers a large sum of money, telling them, "You are to say, 'His disciples came during the night and stole him away while we were asleep.' If this report gets to the governor, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble." So the soldiers took the money and did as they were instructed. And this story has been widely circulated among the Jews to this very day.

Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Matthew 28

Why Schools Let Us Leave

Pilate called together the chief priests, the rulers and the people, and said to them, "You brought me this man as one who was inciting the people to rebellion. I have examined him in your presence and have found no basis for your charges against him. Neither has Herod, for he sent him back to us; as you can see, he has done nothing to deserve death. Therefore, I will punish him and then release him."

With one voice they cried out, "Away with this man! Release Barabbas to us!" (Barabbas had been thrown into prison for an insurrection in the city, and for murder.)

Wanting to release Jesus, Pilate appealed to them again. But they kept shouting, "Crucify him! Crucify him!"

For the third time he spoke to them: "Why? What crime has this man committed? I have found in him no grounds for the death penalty. Therefore I will have him punished and then release him."

But with loud shouts they insistently demanded that he be crucified, and their shouts prevailed. So Pilate decided to grant their demand. He released the man who had been thrown into prison for insurrection and murder, the one they asked for, and surrendered Jesus to their will.

As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus. A large number of people followed him, including women who mourned and wailed for him. Jesus turned and said to them, "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children. For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' Then they will say to the mountains, 'Fall on us!' and to the hills, 'Cover us!' For if men do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?"

Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, "He saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One.

The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, "If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself."

There was a written notice above him, which read: THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS.

One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!"

But the other criminal rebuked him. "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong."

Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."

Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise."

It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." When he had said this, he breathed his last.

Luke 23:13-46

A Journey That Will Reveal to Me

I hadn't yet matched what I want to do
with what I can do
or what it would take to get there.
I imagined I'd be happy,
wherever I was,
and that I'd have been happy along the way.
I figured that if my passion didn't
match my proclivity,
I'd find a new passion.

***

One can't teach another to write.
Writing's core is at the author's
want to say something
and the ability to say it
--the need to say it--
through words and the imagery words create.
I believe I am on a journey
that will reveal to me
whether or not I can write.
But if I can't?
I couldn't stop.
Without words and music, I don't know
where I'd be.
Music feeds me
but never allows me to feed myself.
I need to develop
to take hold
of my observations and concerns
so as to channel them
onto a page
through a pen
well.

***

Here is where I release any wants
and offer completely my heart to the Lord.
I feel this wordcraft has been pressed
on my heart as a method and talent
but will never truly glorify
unless matched with calling and direction.
The amount of potential and responsibility
I feel from the Lord as He speaks to me
is overwhelming.
He offers me a taste of my meaning
and no more.
He leaves me uncertain enough
to yearn for Him daily.
I've found
He's made my heart wise.
I don't know yet
what to make of that.

***

As far as life's plan goes,
I will follow the path
where His will overlays my goals.
I'll go to college, get a job
and I'll be pleased with myself
and what I am for Him.
Please don't tell me I could do better.
My heart holds no place for your naive concern.

The World Is Up to Me

I don't think I've ever told anybody this: I have a deep-seated yearning to impact the world. By impact I mean influence, leave a mark, change...all that. I'm not yet sure how, where, when, or even if I will. I feel as though I must. Unbeknownst to me until recently, changing the world feels to be more of a responsibility than a goal.


While this goal may be common, I don't think it universal, and saw this here blog as a worthy forum for future updates. They may be few and far between, but I'm starting early, relatively, and I beleve that if I make the right choices, remain diligent, responsible, courageous, hopeful and close to God, I can *cue cliché* do anything. Anything within my abilities, of course (and, I suppose, the abilities of the people I am able to reach).