Wake

So sometimes I shamelessly post things in the wee hours of the morning to document the contrast between my mornings and nights. And when I woke up this morning, I remembered last night's post and didn't regret it, but regretted posting something in such a fragile state that would make anyone worry. So I'll have you know that I don't intend to censor my moodiness (which is even crappier when there aren't hormones to blame), but I don't live in a constant state of depression.

My morning at work was spent thinking about why I feel so alone, and I put together this whole day of stuff I could happily do alone: see an art gallery, go to my favorite bookstore, walk the Williamsburg Bridge back into Manhattan, walk St. Mark's Place.... but when I got home from work I was way too exhausted to complete an adventure. But truly, it matters more to me that I got my spirits up about a day of plans without worrying about who would respond to my texts and go with me than it does that I didn't end up going. And that made me think about this video my mom showed me:

Pretty swell, huh? I had bittersweet feelings about this because I related to every word, but I knew that being okay with being lonely wasn't what I really want. Although, I'm starting to think it might be.

And I need to stop hanging out with my cell phone so much. And follow through on the adventures I plan. Unless I'm just too dang sleepy.

Lord, save me!

I'm uh, pretty fundamentally lonely, and I'm not used to being this lonely for this long, and I don't like the idea of getting used to it, so I kind of refuse to, but that won't change anything.

I used to simultaneously pity and wonder about lonely people. Why didn't they just make themselves unlonely? That's back when being around people was the same to me as being unlonely.

I'm trying to recognize the God aspect, as always. That God likes the idea of me learning how to not depend on people, but on Him. Except I don't think He likes the idea of that. So as a result of my constant and unanswered prayer for consistently substantive relationships, I grow resentful. I once had a word spoken over me--that my faithfulness would be recognized. I didn't even think I reflected faithfulness worth recognizing, but that word encouraged me. It's the "would" that gnaws at me. My trust in God does not diminish, and so I'm drawn to believe that what's best for me is either loneliness or will grow out of loneliness. And I suppose that's fine.

I am officially a fringe person. People let me know about things after they let what I like to call their "go-to" person know. The transition from "go-to" to "fringe" is an unsettling one.

But hey. I'm here to walk on water.

I wonder what Peter did when he felt lonely.

never say always

"It was a smashing time, and then it ended, because that's what times do."

Little Buggers

There are times when I don't want to be having the time of my life anymore.

I want the drudgery of seven years into a marriage, keeping water rings off of my coffee table, wondering why I'm still a Shift Supervisor, wishing I had the money tree I'd tried to grow since grade school, worrying about my family and where they are and how they are, worrying about why I still can't have a baby. Settling into accepting that I'll be trying to remind myself for the rest of my life that worrying is pointless.

I don't want the knowledge that when I finally get there, I'll smack myself for having looked forward to it. I don't want the knowledge that these are the days I'll look back on in awe and, unfettered by inhibition, wonder how it is I managed to do so little with them. But I have it. And as a friend says, regretting knowledge I already have...is silly.

Thus, I refuse to minimize the present any longer. I don't always know how to maximize it, and I often wish my faithfulness could be cashed in for more happiness than I regularly find myself in, but faith isn't cash for a reason. Neither grows on trees, but only cash is in finite supply.

I even worry about my children having blogs like this one, or whatever holographic media the future may hold. My genes are introspective, and I don't know how to pair up with someone who's not... my babies are gonna be angsty balls of wit, but they'll be lovely all the same. I'm glad I'll have this to show them. Technology continues to fascinate me.

God is good God is good God is good God is good God is love Love is good Love is love God loves you you are good

P.S. I can't believe I had to break up with Dave Matthews Band. But new favorite music is swirling, and I thank God. Listening to right now: "My Favourite Book" - Stars

Happy Love Day, Dollface

Sometimes I pray that the boy aching for my brand of love knows how not to ache until I find him. And that if he figures out how not to ache, he'll teach me telepathically.

Well isn't this blog sufficiently depressing... you should read my Facebook. That's where I go when I'm smiling. I'll try and spread the love around.

Thanks for being on this journey with me.

Mwah.