Frost

the eaves bend as a gardening back might,
responding to the snow’s weight with surprising resilience.
footprints below harken to a journey northward
or westward or backward because she never was good with directions.

the chill outside is as striking as the chill within
the vapor before her face pumping in rapid spurts,
warm breath quickening with her pace.
there are miles to go before she sleeps
sleeps
sleeps.

the sun is bright but no warmer,
like a candle behind glass
or an advert’s smile.
she warms her ears with promises instead.

in too deep?
feet in snow, heart in the future
the same chill that numbs her toes
preserves a cracking heart

preserves an exemplified ideal
like a zoomed-in-on snowflake.
no two utopias are alike--
one will surely melt first.

Wait, I don't get it

Surely I don't give the impression that I can't be dealt with in a straightforward manner.

I know why I overestimated you, but good God. Stop underestimating me.

42: Medium Auburn

I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

--Psalm 42:9-11

***

I'm baa-aaack. Back in business. The business of wondering and worrying. I was thinking today that having lived for long enough to look back on life is unsettling. I'm talking about a sensation bigger than memory...I felt a strange mix today of wanting to live life on my own again and wanting to never live on my own ever again. This chunk of my life, these next four months, will present the most emotional solitude I've ever had. It's liberating, it's frightening, it's revealing, it's humbling. ...or perhaps the opposite. I'll let you know.

Restlessness is not a virtue. Nope nope nope.

This semester is a big game of now what.

You'll probably be able to answer that before I can.