Case by Case

[I fixed the video!]

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Bum be bum bum bum di da da di da

I don't like my previous post much. "Oh, here's a whole eighteen paragraphs on a topic I claim I'm not worried about." And then, eh, I suppose I shouldn't gather that my processing something is the same as worrying about it. But still. And I was so hyperbolic. I am the most hyperbolic I've ever been.

hehe

I just ate a ginormous bowl of Kix and a vanilla Drumstick. And I'm soooo sleeeeepyyyyy and I use so many vowels when I'm sleeeeepy. Ys, sometimes.

(I do like that this blog accurately conveys changes in my depth of thought.... "What, pray tell, does the future hold?" shares a brain with "YES! My milk to cereal ratio was LEGIT!")

I've gone a few days without an anxiety episode. It's all or nothing, it seems. Balancing it is kind of fun. Choppy waters groom stronger sailors. And sometimes... it's no fun at all.

My email is broken. That's pretty rude!

I am going to talk to the Registrar on Thursday. Right after I pass my motorcycle licensing test. And just like that, numerous shows are getting on the road. My money show, however, has taken to what feels like a gravel path. While walking barefoot. But I've only ever been at the mercy of God's provision, and I continue to praise that I am. Lack of resources grooms...stronger resource sailors. Stewards, if you will. Stewards of the High Seas.

***

This song plays at work a lot. People don't like it. It's one of my very favorite songs of ever. I told a scoffing colleague that I put this on the first love mix I ever made. She asked if we were still together. Touche, darling. But Joni and I, we did the best we could, and between that relationship and this song, the better of the two survived.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

And I felt myself searching for answers that typically satisfy. I said something about being either five years further into vertical growth in my current job, or roughly three years closer to a profession it might take me another two years to determine. They seemed satiated.

I thought about this the whole way home, talking out loud to myself and to God the way I do. Where do I see myself in five years?

How about where does God see me in five years? I mean honestly, in five years, I see myself thankful that I've lived for twenty-five years. Isn't the point that I don't see anything? Who am I to project myself that far into the future on my own strength?

I'm not negating hope. I understand goals and ambitions and dreams. I understand the basic, linear curiosity behind the question. And I don't resent the question. I'm quite pleased it was asked of me, considering it spurred this much thought. I would have thought about it less if not for the amount of recent thought I've put into going back to school. My first thought was, wow! Five years from now, I could be two years into exploring any field I choose. Here's the thing, though.

I know I sound like a hippie, an idealist, or perhaps just plain lazy, but I feel like I chose my field when I quit school. I don't want to learn the way university requires me to. I can't afford to get a degree and travel. Even if I could, I'd have to work around my school schedule. I can't work full-time and take classes. I'll cut my speed of progress in half. Yes, I will have done it for the sake of progress in something else... but what?

There's a giant blank there that I haven't filled. The longer I go without filling it, the more readily I grasp that I might not. I mean, I might. There's time. But I might not. Cause there's time. There's only so much time, and it's not much at all, and how will I wish I had spent it?

I have been attempting to master three things.
1) Separate what I can change from what I can't. Change what I can as I want to. Release what I can't.
2) Be a better friend.
3) Stop worrying.
alternate title:
3) Trust God.

I do wonder if/why I lack ambition. I don't think I would wonder this on my own. I think I anticipate that other people might wonder that for me. It doesn't make me feel very good. It makes me feel stagnant and shallow and loser-y. So, ambition. What do I want to do? Where do I see myself in five years?

By the grace of God, I will have come across someone who I live to love and support. I am realizing how often my happiness hides in others' happiness. I just... want everyone to be who they want to be. And I want to help them get there.

My dream is to help people reach their dreams. I don't care in what capacity. I would set aside every dream I have if it meant I could take some part in encouraging/praying/funding/moving/hard laboring/baking/brewing/writing/laughing people I love into the places they see themselves.

Where do I see myself in five years? Where do YOU see yourself in five years? How can I help you get there?

That's how I feel. That's the furthest I've gotten. And you know what, time and money are finite. God hasn't established a degree as the most worthy recipient of mine. That will always be all the peace I need about forgoing one.

The person who asked me this question concluded our discussion by telling me, "You know, I'll always watch out for you, but I'll never worry about you. You are going to be more than fine."

I could have cried. That sentiment is the most I could ever ask of anybody. I am the most content I've ever been. I am in the most awe of God's love and faithfulness to me than I've ever been. My heart is the most geographically settled it's ever been. Concern for me is laughable.

Where do I see myself in five years?

Still happy. Still prayerful. Near my family. In possession of long-awaited travel memories. In literary magazines? In love? Grateful.

Here's the truth.

I'm just not worried about it.