Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Saturday, June 14, 2008

and the world was it's own psychoanalyst

Where do you find your therapy?

Are you able to self-analyze but not dwell,
introvert but not shut out?

Or rather, are you able to look at your actions, your problems, your vices and shortcomings, and understand their origin? Their purpose?

Do you always need a second opinion?

What would you do if you were alone?

...not that you ever should be. But. While echoing Donald Miller's conviction that "we are not wired to be alone," I also mean to wonder, concerning dependence, how much is too much. At what point does companionship hamper our ability to know ourselves?

By this I speak less of restricting time spent with or time invested in others than I do of harping upon the need for an underlying and unrelenting sense of self. The time it takes to find yourself also depends. The rub is that it's losable and, based on outside influence, always in danger. I've found one that I mean to hold on to. Sometimes I worry that it strongly affects the way I handle others' pleas for input.

This is the reason we all must learn to stand alone. Perhaps the only time we choose to be will exist in the late hours before sleep, or during the fitness walks around the neighborhood. But needing others to judge your decisions before you can for yourself is ultimately detrimental.

This said, I don't mean to judge how any person spends their time.

Only to judge any person on the self-determined Path to Self that chooses never to walk it alone.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

A Journey That Will Reveal to Me

I hadn't yet matched what I want to do
with what I can do
or what it would take to get there.
I imagined I'd be happy,
wherever I was,
and that I'd have been happy along the way.
I figured that if my passion didn't
match my proclivity,
I'd find a new passion.

***

One can't teach another to write.
Writing's core is at the author's
want to say something
and the ability to say it
--the need to say it--
through words and the imagery words create.
I believe I am on a journey
that will reveal to me
whether or not I can write.
But if I can't?
I couldn't stop.
Without words and music, I don't know
where I'd be.
Music feeds me
but never allows me to feed myself.
I need to develop
to take hold
of my observations and concerns
so as to channel them
onto a page
through a pen
well.

***

Here is where I release any wants
and offer completely my heart to the Lord.
I feel this wordcraft has been pressed
on my heart as a method and talent
but will never truly glorify
unless matched with calling and direction.
The amount of potential and responsibility
I feel from the Lord as He speaks to me
is overwhelming.
He offers me a taste of my meaning
and no more.
He leaves me uncertain enough
to yearn for Him daily.
I've found
He's made my heart wise.
I don't know yet
what to make of that.

***

As far as life's plan goes,
I will follow the path
where His will overlays my goals.
I'll go to college, get a job
and I'll be pleased with myself
and what I am for Him.
Please don't tell me I could do better.
My heart holds no place for your naive concern.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

To Feel Alive

My life is changing.

***

My music and words
and your words
and their words
and books
and Bible
the people and places and things
and ideas
the actions
the tears and smiles
the laughter.

My life is changing...

You are changing my life.

Everything and Everyone I have ever known,
...is changing my life.
I am seeing more than I ever could have,
relying on more than I ever would have,
thinking of more than I ever should have.

My feet are on the ground
while my head's in the clouds,
my eyes are on your lips
while my ears tune to Dave
humming, humming...

I don't know what to feel
because I feel more than I know how to.
I don't want to choose.
I am going to live it all.

No worries--
I know what I live for
I know what I love for
I know what I learn for
and yearn for

I know where you are.
I know where you'll be.
I know where I'll be
when you want to find me.

I know where I'll cry
when you forget where we've been,
I know who I'll listen to
when I can no longer trust myself.

I know how to feel
but not how to say,
I know who to need
but not who to leave,
I knew when to look away
but not when to forgive...
forgive and forget.

I know how to sing
to myself in the dark
I know how to dance
in the shower
I know how to overuse
people
and places
and things
and ideas.

I know how to give myself too much credit,
and I know how to leave the doubt behind.

I know what it is
to feel alive.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Bad Blogger

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with my usual posting frequency. I would like to attribute this behavior to a wild and distracting summer vacation, but....

Here are some recent goings on in my life.

A close friend of three years told me he no longer saw the point of our friendship. "We rarely talk and I hate all your friends, so there's no reason to ever hang out." I replied with the mature, acceptable answer of "Asshole."

My best friend has been gone for three weeks and recently lost a very close relative to lung cancer.

I have had summer-long bedtimes and wake-up calls mandated.

I have had my interests insulted.

I have been badly sunburned, thus increasing my chances of acquiring skin cancer by 13%.

I am looking forward to...my youth group missions trip in three weeks. The week after, 8AM to 4PM everyday marching band practices. Then Band Camp, then redoing my room, then flying to California, then the beginning of my second year of high school. Okay, so, I'm looking forward to half of that.

Here's to getting out of the house as soon as possible.

Oh yeah, and I'm learning how to drive, so I can't yet do that by myself. Bicycle rides are a bitch.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

One

You. Can. Only. Type. One. Word. No. Explaining.

1. Where is your cell phone?
Room

2. Relationship?
Lacking

3. Your hair?
Blonde

4. Work?
Sporadic

5. Your sister/brother?
Argue

6. Your favorite thing?
Sleep

7. Your dream last night?
Messy

8. Your favorite drink?
Root-Beer

9. Your dream car?
Classic

10. The room you're in?
Clean

11. Best time of year?
Christmas

12. Your fears?
Paranoid

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
Comfortable

14. Who did you hang out with this weekend?
Leslie

15. What you're not good at?
Forgiving

16. Muffin?
Pumpkin

17. One of your wish list items?
Camera

18. Where you grew up?
Marietta

19. The last thing you did?
Baked

20. What are you wearing?
Shorts

21. What aren't you wearing?
Shoes

22. Your pet(s)
Allergic

23. Your computer?
White

24. Your life?
Young

26. Missing?
Receipts

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Party

28. Your car?
Nonexistent

29. Your kitchen?
Old

30. Your summer?
Band

31. Your favorite color?
Green

32. When is the last time you laughed?
Night

33. Last time you cried?
Monday

34. School?
Summer

35. Love?
Platonic

**borrowed from Lindsay**

Saturday, April 21, 2007

A Friendly Interrogation

This is a requested interview posed by Flenker! Some answers I knew straightaway, some I had never considered. I appreciate the thought catalyst, Flenker. And, sadly, I am of no relation to Mike Doughty. What a buzzkill.

If any reader would like to hop on the interview train, follow the directions at the end of the post.

Here goes nothing:

1. If there is one writer with whom you'd love to be compared, who would it be and why?

This is difficult. I don't think I write like one specific person, and while I love many writers, I wouldn't necessarily emulate their style. I would be happily surprised if I were compared to Jane Austen. I enjoy how she weaves her stories with social observations. The characters are true to life (as true as fiction can be), and the writing is concise...yet detailed.

2.  What would be your first drink of choice after a long day in the hot sun?  And what on a cold winter day?  ( realize you may not have had many cold winter days in Georgia, but play along. . .:) )

Strangely enough, I categorized my favorite Starbucks drinks by season a while back. Summer is a Tall Passion Iced Tea Lemonade: the most refreshing beverage ever to reach my parched little tastebuds. However, I have never turned down a glass of ice water.

Winter...hmm. Some changes have been made. My father works for Starbucks Coffee and often makes my favorite, basic coffee drink: a caramel macchiato. Once, he ran out of vanilla syrup and substituted hazelnut. I now request it frequently. This has become the "particular drink": Double Tall Caramel Macchiato with Hazelnut at 140 degrees, please. I know, I know. But it burns my tongue otherwise...

3.  Where would you go, if money were of no concern, for a weekend trip, and what would you do there?

I would take my first First Class flight to Studio City, CA to visit my favorite aunt. I haven't yet seen her new place and I'd love to see her LA favorites. I had thought about backpacking in Europe, but I don't think I can get the full experience in a weekend...I'll save that trip for the "money is no concern where would you go for a month" question.

4.  If you were a wrestler in the WWE or WCW, what song would you use as your entrance music, and what would your wrestling name be?

I am going to borrow an already used theme song. NHL's Anaheim Ducks' Bro Hymn by Pennywise. That is a power song if I ever heard one. Not a face melter, necessarily, but it does make me jump up and down.

My name? How about....Dominating Damsel of Death. I love alliteration. It has a ring to it, don't you think? I'm already pumped.

5.  If you could own one piece of memorabilia from any movie, what would you pick, and why you you want to have it?

Ooh. Okay, here goes. Can I offer options?
1. I'd love a Men In Black memory eraser. Sometimes the persons involved in my antics don't need the particulars. It'd have to be in perfect working order, of course.
2. I often fantasize about the Clockstoppers watch. Stopping time? Quite useful, I would imagine.
3. I am going to steal Forrest Gump's bench from the Savannah, GA Museum. How great would that be?? Yeah. That's the keeper. It doesn't deal with anything impossible like memory-erasing by piercing blue lightbulb, either.

..............................

Now everyone else plays along! You may have seen this done elsewhere, but now it's your turn. Just follow these simple rules:
1. Leave me a comment on this post saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

I Didn't Really Want That...


I find it interesting, the things I convince myself I need...be it an object or person.

And when that/they are taken away, I am able to live without them, only by convincing myself that I can't have it. I can't be with them/own that object; I am not allowed.

This is a tough mindset to put myself in. I have focused so much energy on needing it, desiring it, only to find the energy wasted. The rebuilding of my desires is no easy task...but I hate wasting time on undeserving people. I don't deem them undeserving, they do. The worst part follows: my slight (or not-so-slight) obsession with "what's not good for me" affects the judgement of my character. Perhaps that is why my thoughts are so closed off.

So. All of a sudden, this thing is no longer forbidden. And I have no concrete reason to put it in the back of my mind...it floats right to the top. Now deserving, now accesible. Though that is what I knew I needed, I was mistaken. The rebuilding of desires begins yet again. And I didn't really want that. I'm back where I started.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Age of Maturity?


I've been thinking...while wisdom may increase with years, maturity eventually reaches a standstill save the initial years of mental and social progression. I know many immature adults: in their lives, kids and friends. I'm sure you do too. So, then, through parental influence, environment, and the genes themselves, maturity in the end is all it will be.

This explains how little difference in age affects friendship. Twenty year old women will fall in love with thirty-seven year old men, sisters become best friends despite their ten year age difference, it just doesn't matter. The most productive conversations I've had have been with parents' friends. The older we get the less the difference seems. Ten and fifteen? Iffy. But twenty and twenty-five...no problem.

I wonder if I am trapped in my age. I'm just a little guy, but I have my own share of wonderments and observations...some of which develop into worthwhile posts. Once my lack of years is realized, opinions will become what they must. I don't forsee a change in my level of thought in the next ten years. Twenty, even. I understand changing views through years of experience, but not in acuteness or profoundness. I learn wonderful new things about people and places every day and approach them with the same earnestness, openness, keenness, and depth.

This here thought stemmed from my observations of the world: teens beyond their years and adults behind them.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A Combo of Sorts

As of today 35 people have died beknownst to me, including the VA Tech tragedy. The others were a student, a mother, and an uncle. I understand that death is part of life and happens every day. Why so close all of a sudden? Why so related to me and people I know? I don't think I overreact when I say it's been a spooky week.
...

I have links on my three most respected blogs! This makes me very happy as writing is a recent thing for me, and the "impact" is unsuspected. Thank you all.

Jad, Flenker, Stephen, and Matt now have their own playlists. Considering Jad doesn't know I exist, well...hah. I'll think up a good comment to leave ASAP.
...

Drumline practice today included drums and tracking. That's marching, for all you non-bandos. I got the chance to play bass and snare. I'm glad I did since I doubt I'll be behind a snare's carrier ever again.

Something I may not have shared: I love band. There is nothing like being part of a great line..listening to the synchronicity, letting every roll flow, feeling the tempo in my heels. Ah.

For all of the smirks this screen is receiving right now: that's okay. I embrace the geekiness.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Not So Hot

Remember that downward spiral? This time it's not about my own insecurities. My life loves testing what I can handle, and it's doing a great job this week.

I'm gonna go blast some music, jump up and down, maybe take a cold shower. I don't want to be here anymore, in this place.

I wish I could help you


I don't know what to do anymore.
When reasons for living are slim
Talk to me
I will tell you I would never be the same
Would you leave
If you knew I would forever cry myself to sleep
Would you leave
If you knew I would blame myself
Would you leave
If you knew that I was always here
Would you leave
If you knew you make my life better
Did you know you make lives better?

Don't leave.
The world will miss you.
I could help you
Let me help you.

Mood Swings of My Own


On occasion (not-so-rare depending on the week), a person's look or response will send me in a downward spiral. I become insecure and doubtful of everything I know. It goes away eventually; I am generally a happy person.

I would like to make this disclaimer now: any pathetically depressing post I write is of the moment. By the next happy day it will sicken me, and I will remove it. If you read the last one and noticed that it is no longer here, you are my audience. I post them in the first place because I think in knowing me, one should know all sides. Good and bad. Just not the really really bad. What seems to be so is a temporary part of me.

The usual mindset change occurs during the discovery of a new favorite song or a really great acoustic performance... like tonight. The Josh Irby Band, a local act, sings every song meaningfully, and I agree with them all. That's a good feeling. My first poetry reading at the open mic segment that preceded it doubled that feeling. I read Music to Me, Edges of Love, Here I Am, and Feed The Shredder. Perhaps I will post them soon since readers only know the last.

So I will leave you tonight with good feeling on my part. I hope you are doing well, too.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

The Effects of Mood Swings


Emotions are an attempt to find one's self. Some practice being sad. Happy, because it looks good. Scared, because comfort follows. Confident, because followers listen. True, because credibility is desirable. False, because liars are the center of any problem they create; attention loves problems. I don't think we practice being unprepared, humiliated, or broken.

We are creatures of habit, and habits are fueled by short-term consequences. Any far off outcome isn't incentive enough, though outcomes essentially define one's self. Emotions, then, determine character.

What one portrays forms the world's opinion. The world consists of people we love -- or at least they live here. Those people's thoughts regularly surpass our own in importance.

What one feels is seldom what they portray. Are the aforementioned impressions false? Does the practice of dishonesty not only avoid reality, but alter it? Does the practice of truth lead to happiness. Does happiness create confidence. Is confidence scary.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

Friday, April 6, 2007

my best things

a blank notebook
a new box of crayons
the one with the sharpener
my iPod - my soundtrack
the goatskin djembe: own the groove
the secondhand Ibanez bass
my family
my friends
my roller-ball pens
..accidental rhymes
Beatles jigsaw
typewriter
good coffee
even better chocolate
my health
my wit
laughter
a healthy appreciation for bad jokes
a healthy obsession with classic cars
a smile, when you care to share it
love
life