#confessions

The breakup with you, sure. I may never recover from the breakup with Dave and Marcus.

Ah

Oscillations

Ha!

Seems like so much distance already between my thoughts today and the thoughts that spurred the two previous posts. Funny how that works.

I'm so tired. I'm due for hibernation.

What do I wish? I wish the people whose opinions mattered most knew how to shelter that role. It reminds me to consider the role my opinion has in the asker's life when asked for it. Hm.

Maybe I'll read poetry this Sunday. Maybe I'll play poker alone on Thursday.

Maybe I'll take these oscillations into consideration before I sign any paperwork--both literal and mental.

Tenses

"You felt like my future whenever I thought of you. Now, you finally feel like my past. But I can't help wondering how this is, when you were never my present."

No Kidding

"I feel so helpless now
My guitar is not around
And I'm struggling with the xylophone
To make these feelings sound
And I'm remembering you singing
And bringin' you to life
It's raining out the window
And today it looks like night

You haven't written to me in a week
I'm wondering why that is
Are you too nervous to be lovers
Friendship's ruined with just one kiss?
I watched you very closely, I saw you look away
Your eyes are either gray or blue
I'm never close enough to say

But your sweatshirt says it all
With the hood over your face
I can't keep starin' at your mouth
Without wonderin' how it tastes
I'm with another boy
(He's asleep, I'm wide awake )
And he tried to win my heart
But it's taken time

I know the shape of your hands
Because I watch 'em when you talk
And I know the shape of your body
'Cause I watch it when you walk
And I want to know it all
But I'm giving you the lead
So go on, go on and take it
Don't fake it, shake it

(Charming
Crazy eyes have you
Are they gray or blue?
I won't make the move
You must make the move
If you make the move
I will then approve
If you do not move
We will surely lose...)

Don't second-guess your feelings
You were right from the start
And I notice she's your lover
But she's nowhere near your heart
This city is for strangers
Like the sky is for the stars
But I think it's very dangerous
If we do not take what's ours

And I'm winning you with words
Because I have no other way
I'd love to look into your face
Without your eyes turning away
Last night I watched you sing
Because a person has to try
And I walked home in the rain
Because a person cannot lie..."

---"Grey or Blue" by Jaymay

here I am at this fork in the road

that I wish were a spork in the road

so the basin would catch the pros and the cons

and spit out a rose and new dawns

'cause these choices are tangled like

thirty sets of legs

during kindergarten story time.

I Love You Human

I climbed into my car to drive to work this week and discovered a ladybug on my window. While stopped at the first signal, I looked at him and sent him telepathic sweet nothings to hold fast and hold on until we arrived safely at our destination. As the light turned green, I refocused my eyes and saw the truck next to me. It was a landscaping truck. The paint job read: "The Grass is Always Greener."

That night, I was driving somewhere else when, stopped at a signal, I read the bumper sticker on the car in front of me: "Relax! God is in control."

All I'm sayin' is, God is in control of everything. Even my reading material en route. Cause I haven't stopped thinking about either of those.

***

Nothing has made me happier recently than the long lost feeling of quiet but startling joy at the sight of a certain name in my text inbox.

***

I don't really know what I'm doing, and I feel crazy, but I think I'm going to let go and let the river take me. I can't control the bends, but I choose to rejoice in that and hold my breath while it takes me wherever I'm supposed to go. Even if that's where I came from, I trust that the obedient path I've taken was paved for me for a reason. All I can do is chase the peace I pray for. All joy in my life is a testament to God's faithfulness. Every bend in the river is just one more challenge to paddle through. I think the earth is 70-or-whatever% water because it's just so dang metaphorically helpful. The same current that carries me can drown me when I doubt His might. I think the steps I'm taking only seem like backtracking. I suppose that, in reality, they're all in front of the other. They all stand firmly on a just and merciful body of water. The breeze I'm walking through has never felt cooler.