I think you're just what I nee--just what I needed!

So I'm cruising down the street, listening to The Cars as loud as it takes for other cars' noise to just barely breeze through, watching Molly jam in my passenger seat, windows down, arm hanging out, laughing as hard as I can without closing my eyes cause I'm driving, and I think to myself, at whichever point in my life I thought I was the happiest I would ever be

I was wrong.

And I realize that I'm experiencing the joy of the Lord, but in a more subtle, nondescript way, because from nowhere else does the fusion of uncertainty and fragility yield contentment and peace. Perhaps a year or two ago I would have said the same thing, but, luckily for me, I didn't really know what I was talking about. And a year or two from now, I'll realize that I didn't know what I was talking about on this August day, but maybe not, cause I get the feeling I'm on the steepest part of the learning curve, at least when it comes to self awareness. A psychic self-awareness-grapher might tell you that the long years ahead of me maintain a steady incline, but not with the slope I experienced back in the transition to my third decade.

I am learning the value of alone time, the value of family, the value of spontaneity, the value of compassion, the value of mercy, heck, the value of hydration, though we all wish that band camp had provided such info. And I'm choosing more carefully who I let peek at my graph. I'd saved front row seats for some who opted not to take them, and against all self-expectations, I'm happy to leave them empty. I am learning the value of surprising myself.

Dis My Jam

"I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah

I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry, baby

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing a piano

And what it all comes down to my dear friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab"

--Alanis Morissette, "Hand In My Pocket"

goddamn right, it's a beautiful day, uh huh

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ah. I feel better now.

alright so

forget poeticism and poeticalness and crypticism and craftiness.
I keep trying to weave the same lines as I used to, and I start to wonder if there's some metaphorical string that connects my subconscious to my syntax. because no matter how much I want to express myself in an eloquent yet elegant fashion, all the thoughts I think while I cruise down the highway do not make it to this forum in couplet form. not many ever did, but seemingly especially now. see, I'm even using too many adverbs. I'm growing weaker.

but not in every area! most everything else about me is growing up, growing solid, growing like a gold-dipped weed or something. I eat big, hearty, yet again metaphorical meals of life transitions and adapting lessons and goal-forming and music listening.

and now I'm going to tell you all something I have so far censored from this blog. this summer marked the most depressed I have ever been, and not knowing what to attribute it to deepened the depression further. for the first time in my life, I changed the channels when hearing "Are you constantly fatigued and losing touch with friends and failing to see the fun in things that used to make you smile and wanting to furnish the deep hole you're in because you think you'll be there for a while?" those commercials asked questions I didn't want to hear. to those of you who attribute all unhappiness to spiritual famine, this was something somewhat clearly estranged from my spiritual health. for the first time in my life, though for only a few days, I considered exploring medical improvements to my chemical state.

and the reason that valley was so bewildering to me is that it wasn't in stride with my previously broken heart. it wasn't connected at all. I would never fall mentally prey to such transient emotions--not to the point of numbness I experienced. at least when my heart broke, I could feel it, you know? speaking of which, one time I read this PostSecret that said, "I feel most alive when my heart is breaking." and I did. I felt really invigorated and free. sad, but free. you should try it sometime. then that phase passed, and whatever this thing was began. and I didn't know what to call it. I still don't. but I think I'm out of it.

the reason I think I'm out of it is that... well nevermind, I don't have one. I'm just not depressed anymore. so that's good!

and it felt good to write that. huh. maybe that subconscious string is connected to the ankles of the skeletons in my closet. and when they dance... man. it's a party.

and you're all invited!

ABCDEF It

I've been staring at this blank space for, oh, thirty minutes. I have a lot to say but I don't know what of it to say.

how about...

I love the radio

I like my hair

I have too much contempt for people

I might as well become a nun, cause dese boys ain't cuttin' it

but then I probably couldn't get anymore tattoos, so I guess that's out.

I like driving with the windows down towards the Atlanta skyline

the only book I've read this summer had 60 pages and pictures

I am so sleepy all of the time, or maybe just now

I'll be 20 in 7 months

freaky with a capital F

Happy August

I usually analyze long gaps between posts, concluding that I can't record the times I'm living if I'm too busy living them. But then the day comes when I'm too busy living to keep living, and I dial it back, and remember that of the hundreds of potential pieces I've thought about writing, I've written.....four of them. Or something equally pipsqueaky.

a couple things:

it's a shame that knowing life is short doesn't make it longer

by the time you think you've got your head wrapped around life, it'll be over

therefore, don't regard lightning speed as the bar to catch up to and pass, but as a guaranteed thrill ride.

haha I'm gonna need you to print that on a motivational magnet and sell it in bulk.

Basically, I feel both ahead and behind every single day. Like an old soul that never gets off at the right stop--or books flights for the right days. But I'm pretty uniformly content with how life is going right now. And contentedness for me includes depression and worries, because if I shoot for 100% happiness, I'll always lose, and I'll always be sad that I'm losing, and that's no fun.

What is fun is continuing to grow my breadth of experience. What's fun is knowing that I'll be home soon. What's fun is having a pint of Mocha ice cream in the freezer...

brb

{that picture I did take!}

I just typed something that I swore I wouldn't delete in the morning, and I didn't, because I deleted it tonight