Friends,

Fornever

yeah, here's the thing about inspirational, guilt trip-inducing, tumblr-confined mourny pictures reading "you said forever."

people say things they don't mean.

people say things they don't know how to mean.

people will not live up to your expectations of them.

people don't even live up to their expectations of themselves.


I don't think trusting someone is wrong. I just think the above image should have a guilt trip-inducing counterpart for the opposite party.

"you heard forever."

Weight

My answer to "I mean, I don't know what I expected," if I'm being honest, is usually "more." It just isn't always justified. And that's alright. But acceptance of that fact rarely manifests as initial peace with it.

Lord knows I don't impress people with my actions often enough to warrant being impressed more often by people's actions.

***

I have so much ahead of me that I'm excited for, and I still find myself in these ruts. My friends are upstairs laughing and having a good time, and I don't even want to be there. My heart aches with thanks for their presence in my life, but my heart aches too much to surround myself with all that happiness.

I keep craving being near someone who is as excited to hold my burdens as I am to hold theirs.

And I really am, you know. I'm excited to hold your burdens. I haven't broken under any weight yet, and it's a boundary I'm eager to push--especially for my friends. Lay it on me.

***

"It's sick that all these battles are what keep me satisfied."
--Love the Way You Lie

Pre-nup

At least I got to keep the smiles :)

I Chase You

I just chatted with God in frustration about how often it feels like every relationship I have is as good as it is because of the ferocity with which I go after it.

And I asked, "What is it about my life that has me doing all of the chasing, all of the time?"

And, as you might imagine, I heard in an instant:

"I chase you."

And you know... since we're being honest here...

I really wish that were enough.

But I know He understands. He created me with the need for fellowship, community, companionship... it is Him in me that chases people.

And on a good day, that angle is enough, because on a good day, all I want to do is exhibit Him in me.

But on those bad days, I translate my obedience to Him in me into entitlement to relationships that chase me. And I'm being pretty unforgiving, because Molly and my family chase me more than I deserve. But when it comes to fresh relationships, I start to wonder what my prioritizing them over them prioritizing me says about my life.

All that to say, I trust God completely. I am ecstatic about what's to come, and I've missed this version of myself. I know it is only a matter of time until I partner with someone who actually goes after me for a change, and I'm in no rush to find him.

In fact, I'm in no rush to do anything at all.

Including go to sleep, apparently.
Toodle-oo, darlings. Toodle-oo.

[how the hey do you spell toodle-oo]

it's a small world, after aaallll [in your head for the rest of the day. you're welcome.]

Ponder this: The world is God's and, ultimately, as small as He wants it to be.

There are only so many places to go, but there are neverending places to connect. I have so many thoughts about this that I can't put words to them all....

a few instances:

one of my classmates is close family friends with the Henn family. Nate Henn was killed in a terrorist attack while serving as an Invisible Children roadie in Uganda this past summer. that classmate organized an Invisible Children screening at King's.

I almost didn't go to it. My attendance was truly a last minute decision--a decision I'm starting to realize was not mine at all.

Invisible Children's newest film, "Tony," wrecked me. I blamed a lot of this on my hormones, but maybe I shouldn't. My heart's ache at how much security I have when there are children abducted daily from their homes and forced to fight as child soldiers in Africa's longest-running war... it feels sort of like an atomic explosion on an emotional level. I've been struck before by how small I am, but perhaps never quite like this. My speck of existence in the scope of God's world is paradoxed (not a word but should be) by the scope of my potential role in this speck of a world.

I have so. little. time. to do so. much. with. What am I doing? Why do I keep re-orchestrating my list of goals? I am living such a turbulent phase of my life that I look ahead in an attempt to lose as few opportunities as possible. It has become a settling sense of peace to me that God will present his goals for me to me as He wishes. I try to recognize this web to the best of my abilities, but I often lose sleep over my next step. Am I sure I'm following God's path for me? Can I be sure? Why won't He confirm it when I beg Him to?

I worry a lot about my obedience to God. I'm starting to bank on the idea that worrying about that at all is evidence of the right direction.

Anyway, the small world continues, because after the film screening, I was going to leave and go straight home, but I decided to hang around the merch table for a bit. One of the roadies asked me where I was from, and when I said Georgia, he said, "Me too!! We all are!" Turns out the three roadies around me were all from my glorious home state.

What's even weirder is that when Morgan, the first, asked where in GA I'm from, and I answered with Marietta, the one behind me paused and responded, "So am I. Where did you go to school?"

Lo and behold, I met a member of Walton's '09 graduating class for the first time in New York City. In a school I almost didn't go to. A school whose validity the entire Invisible Children team couldn't help but question. At a screening I almost didn't attend. During a tour he may not have been accepted for. After we got over our minds being blown, we chatted for a while about mutual friends and mutual love for Atlanta. I don't know exactly what role that meeting will play in my life--whether his being the kind of person I want to surround myself with gives me hope for increased friendship with him or hope for friendships with those like him.

Whatever the case may be, I learned more that night than I bargained for. I felt a heart for Invisible Children that I don't want to abandon, but I've already begun to emotionally prepare myself for that course not matching what God wants for me. I guess we'll find out. I also felt a heart for new friendships and my hometown that gave me peace about leaving the city.

peace about leaving the city....

peace that surpasseth all understanding

Shantih shantih shantih

One of the women at the screening was talking to my classmate afterwards, and as I unashamedly "researched" the relationships between the roadies I met and the people I know, I recognized her face on Facebook. I learned of her role in Nate's short life and stumbled upon a blog she writes. As I read about her grief, my heart went out to Molly and hers. I knew they were words Molly could stand to read. Molly and Stephanie connected, and Stephanie's grace and love for Molly confirmed my realization that this huge world is only huge if we look at it through worldy eyes.

God's increased revelations to me present a broader scope that, paradoxically, shrinks the world down to its actual size. Actually, I can grow closer to my brother and sister no matter how far I am from them. Actually, I can meet a girl who also grew up north of Atlanta in New York City before returning with her to Atlanta to continue to grow up together. Actually, I can meet a roadie who went to my high school. Actually, I can recognize a mirror of grief that spans time and states. Actually, I can achieve exactly what I'm supposed to for the world because the world is God's kingdom, and I pray and beg for the same exact role that He has been preparing me for for nineteen years. Whichever it may be.

My heart is an atomic explosion for each and every one of you.

especially for making it to the bottom of this post ;)

I dare you to not dance

well isn't that obnoxious ad just enough to stop watching... just listen to it while you cruise around in another web tab.

you know, cause I have judiciaryness over your internet behavior

Ima shut up so you can DANCE