Fettered

I'm pretty sure I only like the idea of have nothing and no one to weigh me down for years and years because that's the fashionable thing to do. To look forward to the time when I can finally answer to no one, travel endlessly, and return when I'm ready.

What jazzes me is finding people to answer to. Finding people to travel with. Forgoing the need to return because every new place I find is home.

You said I must eat so many lemons/'cause I am so bittah

"my fingertips are holding onto
the cracks in our foundation
and I know that I should let go
but I can't."
- Kate Nash, "Foundation"

***
I eat carbs now.

Guess what other rule I broke?

If ever you doubted my will power, you were entirely justified.

Tug-of-Peace

Was talking to My BFF Molly last night, and we were discussing relationships of any sort and how the lasting ones are dependent on both members knowing it's worth it to be 100% of the relationship when all the other person can afford is 0%. How long each person can tolerate doing so is a different story entirely, which is why the lasting ones are also made up of two people who wouldn't wish to subject the other to it, but thinking about this got me thinking. [What else is new]

Am I supposed to be giving 100% right now? Am I supposed to have the same final say I'm learning to forgo and swear til I die that I had something that should have lasted?

Pretty sure the answer is no.

Pretty sure.

Go ahead and shoot the messenger. We never liked him anyway.

"Have you heard, my Mona Lisa,
have you heard what you are?
You're a new morning."

***

I was looking at the history of film in a museum today, and I could see my face in the showcase's glass. Like seeing my face amidst the history. I saw a little boy looking at the Star Wars action figures and wondered to myself... at which point in life does a person transition from aching to grow up to aching to stay young? I feel as though, in accordance with the way the rest of my life has happened, I'll reach that point sooner than others my age. Maybe it's that I've already made a decision that separated me from my family, or that I've been exposed to and made decisions that have aged me more than high school ever did, or that my heart's been broken and I pulled myself out of its muck, or that I've gone from knowing what I want to do to putting four other jobs back on the table, or that I've realized that no matter my expectations of people, the real battle is fighting to keep them rather than fighting to acknowledge that people have met them, but I'm channeling Peter Pan more now than I ever have.

Which is weird, because I also look forward to grown-up life every day, as I've written in previous posts. But the twilight zone I'm chillin in is bigger than college. It's the massive wave of "you can do whatever you want once you figure out what it is that you want." And a lot of the people around me live for nothing more than that freedom, but life is a lot like a research paper. The more freedom, the less security that the result will match the expectations held for it. As though there's an undisclosed rubric that we'll miraculously match if we can bring ourselves to be that prodigal.

And sometimes I wish I were prodigal, and when I do, I reflect on the question asked of me a couple years ago: "Why are you content with mediocrity?" I probably won't ever forget that question or how difficult it is to answer; I never know whether to defend mediocrity or to defend my...extraordinariness. Most days, I go to bed defending mediocrity.

Another question: is advocating chasing peace the same thing as advocating running away from conflict? I never saw myself as one to go AWOL, but that L is something I decide for myself...isn't it?

***

"At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral."

Deuces

"This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their [Creator]." --Mumford. who else.

***

It was 62 degrees last Friday. It snowed on Tuesday. And as I was resurfacing to the floor at work from my ten-minute break, I caught a glimpse of the snow falling outside the big glass outside of the Empire State Building and thought to myself, "I could stand to be happier."

That was a little bit of a breakthrough for me. I know my happiness is a decision I can make, but it's just been so damn difficult. But the day I started settling for anything less than a challenge was the day I started morphing into one of those bummer cliches of a former self.

And I don't know if you still read this, and if you do you know me a lot better than I know you, but that's what having one of these means, and I want you to know that you're not gonna be on my mind anymore. I have to make rules for myself. Like my no carb diet. I was eating pastries from work for like....7 meals a day, but the day I set that diet, I erased them completely. I think of myself as having no will power, but I stick to my rules. And I can't do it anymore.

This is the last initiative I'll take, because I've also set a Bare Bones Initiative rule. I've successfully talked myself out of every recent initiative I've been willing to take for you, but the existence of anything to talk myself out of is a habit I need to break. I can't volunteer anymore. I shouldn't fight, no matter how behind-the-scenes, for someone who doesn't fight for me. This is a baby initiative because it's hit-or-miss, but that chance of a hit is chance enough.

The best part about this, except for the obvious, is that it solved my Dave mental block! Little did we know that his tour break this summer would be perfectly timed. Well, not for you. But I don't consider your best interests anymore. I pray for God to keep them, but that's in place of me. Definitely a good trade.

Anyhow, this announcement seems rather unnecessary, but I'm big into Life Chapters, and the wind has been blowing my pages back so that I keep reading yours. I think I finally got the paperweight I've been praying for.

***

"...but I gave you all.

and you rip it from my hands and you swear it's all gone..." --Mumford, duh

[and you're right]

Ollie Ollie Oxen Plea

"If someone isn't there for you anymore, you have to let him go."

The quote's a bit sexist, and I'd revise it to include a "her" if I could.

Also, muse of the day--if he/she doesn't miss you, maybe you didn't do your job correctly.

Or you weren't aware you were volunteering.

Wake

So sometimes I shamelessly post things in the wee hours of the morning to document the contrast between my mornings and nights. And when I woke up this morning, I remembered last night's post and didn't regret it, but regretted posting something in such a fragile state that would make anyone worry. So I'll have you know that I don't intend to censor my moodiness (which is even crappier when there aren't hormones to blame), but I don't live in a constant state of depression.

My morning at work was spent thinking about why I feel so alone, and I put together this whole day of stuff I could happily do alone: see an art gallery, go to my favorite bookstore, walk the Williamsburg Bridge back into Manhattan, walk St. Mark's Place.... but when I got home from work I was way too exhausted to complete an adventure. But truly, it matters more to me that I got my spirits up about a day of plans without worrying about who would respond to my texts and go with me than it does that I didn't end up going. And that made me think about this video my mom showed me:

Pretty swell, huh? I had bittersweet feelings about this because I related to every word, but I knew that being okay with being lonely wasn't what I really want. Although, I'm starting to think it might be.

And I need to stop hanging out with my cell phone so much. And follow through on the adventures I plan. Unless I'm just too dang sleepy.