Lord, save me!

I'm uh, pretty fundamentally lonely, and I'm not used to being this lonely for this long, and I don't like the idea of getting used to it, so I kind of refuse to, but that won't change anything.

I used to simultaneously pity and wonder about lonely people. Why didn't they just make themselves unlonely? That's back when being around people was the same to me as being unlonely.

I'm trying to recognize the God aspect, as always. That God likes the idea of me learning how to not depend on people, but on Him. Except I don't think He likes the idea of that. So as a result of my constant and unanswered prayer for consistently substantive relationships, I grow resentful. I once had a word spoken over me--that my faithfulness would be recognized. I didn't even think I reflected faithfulness worth recognizing, but that word encouraged me. It's the "would" that gnaws at me. My trust in God does not diminish, and so I'm drawn to believe that what's best for me is either loneliness or will grow out of loneliness. And I suppose that's fine.

I am officially a fringe person. People let me know about things after they let what I like to call their "go-to" person know. The transition from "go-to" to "fringe" is an unsettling one.

But hey. I'm here to walk on water.

I wonder what Peter did when he felt lonely.

never say always

"It was a smashing time, and then it ended, because that's what times do."

Little Buggers

There are times when I don't want to be having the time of my life anymore.

I want the drudgery of seven years into a marriage, keeping water rings off of my coffee table, wondering why I'm still a Shift Supervisor, wishing I had the money tree I'd tried to grow since grade school, worrying about my family and where they are and how they are, worrying about why I still can't have a baby. Settling into accepting that I'll be trying to remind myself for the rest of my life that worrying is pointless.

I don't want the knowledge that when I finally get there, I'll smack myself for having looked forward to it. I don't want the knowledge that these are the days I'll look back on in awe and, unfettered by inhibition, wonder how it is I managed to do so little with them. But I have it. And as a friend says, regretting knowledge I already have...is silly.

Thus, I refuse to minimize the present any longer. I don't always know how to maximize it, and I often wish my faithfulness could be cashed in for more happiness than I regularly find myself in, but faith isn't cash for a reason. Neither grows on trees, but only cash is in finite supply.

I even worry about my children having blogs like this one, or whatever holographic media the future may hold. My genes are introspective, and I don't know how to pair up with someone who's not... my babies are gonna be angsty balls of wit, but they'll be lovely all the same. I'm glad I'll have this to show them. Technology continues to fascinate me.

God is good God is good God is good God is good God is love Love is good Love is love God loves you you are good

P.S. I can't believe I had to break up with Dave Matthews Band. But new favorite music is swirling, and I thank God. Listening to right now: "My Favourite Book" - Stars

Happy Love Day, Dollface

Sometimes I pray that the boy aching for my brand of love knows how not to ache until I find him. And that if he figures out how not to ache, he'll teach me telepathically.

Well isn't this blog sufficiently depressing... you should read my Facebook. That's where I go when I'm smiling. I'll try and spread the love around.

Thanks for being on this journey with me.

Mwah.

Thought o' the mornin' to ya

Being in love is not overrated, but not being in love is underrated.

Blahblahblah

Oh man. Even what's clear isn't clear.

I hate hormones.

If you'd like, you can pray for some measure of joy to take over my life. That would be really, really nice.

Cause I don't mind resigning to the whole "life is hard, you can do it" shindig, but at the same time... I mind. Every once in a while. Like every other Tuesday.

Every other Tuesday, I'd like to not worry and to not find people's faults so easily and to feel like this is a twilight-free zone. If it catches on, maybe it can become a weekly thing.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

Forever and ever.

Amen.

"It's easy to let something go when you know you're gonna get it back."

Good thing I like a challenge.